One Fist Man
by LovelessNobodyXIII
Summary: Saitama is good with the ladies. Perhaps a little too good...
1. ONE FIST MAN

ONE FIST MAN

Written by Christopher Rangel

It was Saitama's first day in the porn industry and he could not be more excited. He sat on the couch, twidling his thumbs as he waited for the director to enter the room. Then, all of a sudden, the director entered the room.

"Hello", said the director. "My name is Solidus Snake, and I will be your director today". He extended he hand, which Saitama was all too willing to shake.

"Thanks, sir!" said Saitama. He sat back on the couch and Solidus took a suit at his desk.

"So, tell me Saitama; what made you interested in joining the porn industry?" Solidus asked.

"Well", said Saitama, "I'm very good at putting my fists into faces, but that has gotten boring, so I decided why not put them in vaginas and buttholes instead?"

"Ah", said Solidus, "So you're into fisting then?"

"Yes", said Saitama. "Very much so", said Saitama.

"I admit", said Solidus, "we have not put out many fisting videos here on , so I would be honored to be the first person you fist on camera."

"Sounds good", said Saitama.

"Can we just get a close up of your fist?" asked Solidus.

"Certainly", said Saitama, and he showed off his fist for the camera.

"Holy shit", said Solidus. "My butthole is ready. Let's go for it!"

"Alright", said Saitama. Solidus took off his pants and underwear, revealing a very fit looking bottom. He bent over, revealing a beautiful open butthole to Saitama.

"Fist me!" screamed Solidus. "DO IT NOW!"

Saitama brought back his fist, said "Regular normal fist!", and plunged his fist all the way up Solidus's butthole. Solidus screamed in ecstasy as Saitama went elbow deep, then slowly and steadily removed his arm from Solidus's butthole. His fist came out with a "pop", and a little dung came out as well.

"Holy shit", said Solidus. "This'll be a short video, but the people will bust loads upon loads watching it". Solidus was panting. He put his pants back on and shook Saitama's hand. "It was a pleasure doing business with you. You should receive your check in the mail soon. I look forward to your future endeavors here at ".

"Me too", said Saitama, and he picked up his bag and exited the room.

"Hello Sensei", Genos the Cyborg said to Saitama the Baldman. "How was your first day?"

"Pretty good", said Saitama. "I think I may have found my true calling." He went to the sink to wash Solidus Snake's butthole off of his hand. "Have they uploaded the video yet?"

"I will go check that now", said Genos. He went onto and looked up "Saitama". "Sensei, I have found you", said Genos. He opened a video entitled "One Fist Man", and they watched it. "Wow, Sensei, you are very good at fisting! Would you mind showing me how you do that?"

"Sure thing", said Saitama. "First of all, let's see what you got." Saitama removed his own pants and bent over for Genos.

"I will do my best!" yelled Genos. He raised his fist, and the rocket thrusters engaged, and, with a yell, he plunged his fist up in Saitama's butthole. Saitama moaned a little; Genos's metallic arm felt good in his rear.

"Not bad", said Saitama as Genos removed his fist from Saitama's butthole. "You just need to polish your technique a little. Here, let me demonstrate what I can do."

"Do away", said Genos. Saitama raised his fist and plunged it up Genos's butthole, but instead of moaning or yelling, Genos fell completely silent.

"Uh, Genos?" said Saitama. "You alright, buddy?"

"Systems malfunction", said Genos. "Pleasure over...load." Saitama began to feel concerned. "Goodbye... Sensei".

"What?! No!" screamed Saitama as Genos exploded into billions of atomic pieces.

Saitama was on his hands and knees in his ruined apartment. "Genos", he said. "Genos, I'm so sorry. Dammit, I never should have fisted a cyborg" He sat down and tried to collect his thoughts. "Shit", he said. "I fucking straight up killed an S-rank hero!" He sighed. "No one can ever know about this. This is a secret that I must keep, for my own sake." He stood up and walked for the door. He looked back one more time. "I'm sorry... Genos."

As Saitama walked down the streets of London, people, both dudes and dudettes and everything in between, looked at Saitama with a blush. In the span of a day, his fist had become the ultimate sexual fantasy of the world, but now he knew that that power came with a cost.

"Hey, Saitama", said Jon Snow. "I hear that you've built up quite a reputation!"

"I guess", said Saitama. He tried to keep his composure; Jon Snow was a Class S hero, like Genos was.

"If I knew that fisting was such a popular fetish, I probably would have put my sword down years ago!" Jon Snow laughed.

"Yup", said Saitama. "Fists are the way of the future." Jon Snow's Direwolf, Ghost, stood to Saitama's other side, and he seemed somewhat uneasy about Saitama.

"Say", said Jon Snow, "Have you seen Genos anywhere? We were supposed to meet for tea about a half hour ago, but he never showed up at the cafe."

Saitama shrugged, trying to keep his composure. "Last I saw him, he said he was on his way to meet up with you", Saitama said. "He probably had something else to do, though."

"Yeah, probably", said Jon Snow. "But still..."

"SAITAMA!" screamed the voice of a girl. All of a sudden they were surrounded by screaming fangirls. "Please please please fist us Saitama Senpai!" they all screamed in unison.

Saitama shrugged. "Alright, alright", said Saitama. "Knickers off." They all squealed and removed their knickers, then Saitama released a flurry of fists. Then he stood completely still, and all the girls fell to the ground, mouths moaning and cooters trembling. Saitama thought of Genos and felt numb.

"Holy fuck", said Jon Snow. "That really is impressive."

"Eh, whatever", said Saitama as he continued walking forward. Ghost sniffed one of the girls to make sure she was still alive, and Jon Snow chased after Saitama.

Saitama and Jon Snow arrived at the Hero Association. Standing before everyone was Captain Falcon.

"I'm sure you're all wondering why I called you here", said Captain Falcon. "I've received word from a secret informant that he is on the verge of returning."

"You don't mean... him?" said Tatsumaki.

"I'm afraid I do", said Captain Falcon.

"But he's BEYOND a God Level threat!" exclaimed Puri-Puri Prisoner.

"I know", said Captain Falcon. "But I think we still have time to prepare. And we have to prepare. We must take this warning seriously, or an end could come to the world itself. The second order or business: congratulations to Saitama for becoming number one pornstar in the world. Sir, your fists put my Falcon Punches to shame." Everyone applauded, and Saitama only nodded.

"Hey, where the fuck is Genos?!" someone yelled.

"Holy shit!" said Captain Falcon, noticing that Genos wasn't there. "Where the fuck is he?!"

"He's gone missing", said Jon Snow.

"Well, who was the last person to see him?" asked Captain Falcon. Everyone looked at Saitama.

"Pfft", said Saitama. "He's not missing. Just nobody has any idea where he is!"

"Well, we need to find him", said Captain Falcon. "The Villain, the Bane of Christmas is returning, and we need all the heroes we can get! Did he say anything about where he was going?"

"I..." Saitama started to sweat.

"There's something he's not telling us!" yelled Batman.

"He is surrounded by darkness!" exclaimed Chirrut Imwe from Rogue One: A Star Wars Story. "Lock him the fuck up!"

"Saitama!" yelled Jon Snow.

"I..." Saitama stammered "IT WAS AN ACCIDENT! IT WAS AN ACCIDENT, BUT HE'S DEAD! I KILLED HIM! I FISTED HIM TO DEATH!" Saitama started to cry.

"Saitama..." said Captain Falcon. "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid this cannot be tolerated. You'll have to be locked up for a while, at least until we need you in the fight against him. Superman! Batman! Take him away!"

"IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!" Saitama yelled, and he punched Superman in the gut, sending him flying backwards, through a wall, and he was impaled on a flagpole. Dead.

"Fuck!" said Saitama. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to!"

"Everyone!" yelled Captain Falcon. "Get him!" And all of the heroes erupted onto Saitama. In a fight of epic proportions, he fended them all off, and the Hero Association HQ fell into ruins, as Saitama punched them all. Many died, others were seriously injured. The building was completely fucked, however.

On top of the rubble, Saitama faced an injured but still standing Captain Falcon. Jon Snow put his hand on Captain Falcon's shoulder.

"I can handle this", said Jon Snow. Captain Falcon nodded and stood back as Jon Snow drew his sword.

"Stand down, Jon Snow!" yelled Saitama. "Its over! I've won, and I just don't want any trouble."

"NO!" yelled Jon Snow. "I considered you a friend. Now, here; we fight to the end!" So Jon Snow and Saitama charged at each other, and Saitama's fist collided with Jon Snow's sword.

"Impossible!" said Saitama as his fist grinded against the sword. "Why isn't this sword breaking?!"

"Valyrian Steel, motherfucker", said Jon Snow, and with that he brought back his sword and slashed it down in an instant. Saitama screamed as he saw his right hand separate from his body and fall to the ground.

"Now", said Jon Snow, "It appears that I have w..." Saitama grabbed Jon Snow by the throat with his left hand and picked him up off the ground. Saitama was furious; he wanted to kill him. But when he looked into Jon Snow's eyes, he remembered that they had been friends. So instead, he flung Jon Snow far, far away. Ghost barked at Saitama angrily, but then chased after his flying master. Saitama held his bleeding stump. He started walking away when Captain Falcon yelled at him.

"And what now?!" yelled Captain Falcon. "His return is imminent, and you've single-handedly put many of the world's best heroes out of commission. You've fucked over the world Saitama! FUCKED IT OVER!"

"I know", said Saitama. "But you know as well as I do that I didn't want any of this." And with that he walked away.

A defeated Captain Falcon put a finger to his ear, to better hear his Comm link, and he stood there, mouth open, heart beating.

Captain Falcon stood over the burning wreckage below. "He has returned..." (To be Continued in "Winter Leaves like a Son in a Parade")

Saitama staggered away from the wreckage behind him, still holding onto his stump. He had to make it to the hospital fast; he was bleeding out.

Suddenly he felt a hand on his shoulder. It was Solidus Snake!

"I heard about what happened", said Solidus. "Well, saw it too." He looked out in the distance. "Well, don't worry about it kid. You know, heroes are temporary; many of them turn to evil once faced with the right circumstances. But porn, on the other hand..." dramatic pause, "Porn is forever. And you've still got one fist."

(Title song plays) ONE FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSST!

FIN


	2. OFM 2: PIERCE THE HEAVENS WITH YOUR DICK

ONE FIST MAN 2:

PIERCE THE HEAVENS WITH YOUR DICK

Written by Christopher Rangel

Solidus Snake had called Saitama to his office. From the sound of his voice on the telephone, it sounded like it was urgent. Saitama burst into his office.

"What's wrong sir?" Saitama asked.

"Have you seen the Internet's Master Pornstar Stats (IMPS)?" asked Solidus Snake.

"I was on top last I checked, why?"

"Come here, lad", Solidus said, beckoning Saitama to his side. After looking at the computer screen, Saitama covered his mouth with his one hand.

"I'm... I'm number 2", said Saitama. "How can this be?"

"Saitama, I hate to say it... but I think the people think you're a one trick pony. I mean, really, how many times can one just watch a guy fist other people before it starts to get old? Surely, you can do other things."

"I... I..." Saitama stuttered, "I never had any sort of sexual experience with another person until I fisted you the first day I came here! And even then, it was just a punch; I just did what I knew how to do!"

"Jesus Christ", said Solidus. "We're in deeper trouble than I thought."

"What's his name?" asked a panicked Saitama. "Who is the usurper?"

"His name..." began Solidus Snake, "is Kamina. I'm scrolling through his page now. He's done everything, and he's done it all well, with supreme confidence."

"Kamina..." said Saitama. "From Gurren Lagann?"

"Yes", said Solidus.

"Its hopeless", said Saitama, "I'm just a one fisted fister. There's no way I can out-fuck Kamina."

Solidus Snake put a comforting hand on Saitama's shoulder. "All is not lost, my boy", said Solidus. "I think I know a friend who can help you train. He's a baldman, like you, so you two should get along fine. Together, you two can stop Hentaidotcom from sinking into obscurity. You can go home for now and rest up; expect him in about a week." Saitama nodded and trudged his way home.

ONE WEEK LATER

There was a knocking at Saitama's door. Filled with trepidation, Saitama made his way to it and opened it.

"Celebrity pornstar Johnny Sins?" said a surprised Saitama. "You're the Baldman that Solidus meant to said."

"Yep", said Johnny Sins. He was wearing a t-shirt with a lotus on it (See RUGRATS: CRUSADE OF THE CRIMSON ROSEBUSH). "He said you might need some help learning how to fuck right."

"Uh, yeah", said Saitama. Just then a crowd of female pornstars burst into Saitama's appartment.

"Well", said Johnny Sins, "I've come here with some other members of The Goddess of Sex's harem to help show you how its done."

"D... do you really think you can help me out?"

"Did you hear me when I said 'Goddess of Sex's harem?'"

"Right", said Saitama, and so they all had an orgy. If Saitama ever resorted to fisting one of the pornstars, Johnny Sins would punch him in the face. But Saitama was having a hard time; his dick was only average size, while the most successful male pornstars had really big dicks, and Kamina's was a monster! But as he put his dick into the vaginas of the pornstars (and Johnny Sins's butthole a few times), they all assured him that he was doing fine. But he really needed himself a glass of water, so he said "hey, I gotta go get a glass of water."

"Okay", said Johnny Sins, "That just about wraps today's session anyways. See you in a couple of days."

"Alright", said Saitama, and he got himself a glass of water. He looked out the window while he drank his water. He wanted to go for a walk; it was really nice outside, and not even sex is better than a walk outside, even when you're having sex with like a hundred pornstars including Johnny Sins. So Saitama went outside.

Things had changed after The Villain's return. Rumors were spreading about people that killed other people, took their skin, and slipped into the lives of their victims to claim more victims. He had heard Professor Layton refer to them as Skinwalkers in one of his public service announcements (See WINTER LEAVES LIKE A SON IN A PARADE). But that all just sounded like bogus to Saitama, so he didn't pay it much attention.

Saitama saw a crowd of people in the village center, gathered around someone who was yelling really loudly about stuff. He approached the group. Saitama pushed his way to the front of the crowd, and his jaw dropped. Kamina was fucking Yuna from Final Fantasy X in the ass right in the middle of the street, muttering "Who the hell do you think I am" before slapping here on the ass. Everyone was all like "Whoa, I've never seen anyone fuck that good before." Saitama grew angry, but nonetheless watched to see how he did it.

"Its incredible", thought Saitama. "I don't know how he does it."

Kamina pulled out of Yuna's butthole and hosed the audience down with a massive load of jizz, yelling "FUUUUCCCCKKK!" as he came. He shook the last drops of semen from his dick and pulled up his pants. "That's right, people, when they talk about the internet's badass number one pornstar, their talking about me, THE MIGHTY KAMINA!" The audience applauded.

"I don't know!" yelled Saitama, "You seem pretty shit to me!" Kamina frowned and turned to Saitama, then smirked when he realized who he was.

"Well, who the hell do you think I am?" said Kamina, "Being talked down to by the, oh, number two pornstar on the internet. Sorry, buddy, last I checked number 2 was the number of shit." Everyone laughed, and Saitama became angrier. He clenched his fist. "What do you intend on doing with that fist?" Kamina pulled his sword from his sheath a little, exposing the Valyrian Steel. "Don't you remember how you lost your other hand?" Saitama turned around and pushed his way out of the crowd, shamefully.

"That's right buddy! Get the hell outta here! Shitty number 2 asshole buttfuck fisting fucker of dogs!" Kamina yelled.

"Kamina! Kamina! Kamina!" the audience cheered.

As Saitama walked back home, he passed a restaurant that was playing "Viva la Vida" by Coldplay. "I used to rule the world, Seas would rise when I gave the word, Now in the morning I sleep alone, Sweep the streets I used to own"

"I fuckin' hate Coldplay", said Saitama as he opened the door to his apartment building. Once in his apartment, he threw himself onto his couch and cried into his pillow for like an hour. "NO NO NO!" he screamed. "ITS NOT FAIR!" He threw the pillow at the wall and, unsure of what to do next, turned on the television. He wanted to some quality mind draining shit, so he put on "Days of our Lives" or some shitty soap opera like that, but the stories on the characters in that show just made him feel sadder. Hanging above the television was a picture of him and Genos, his arm around his shoulder. Saitama couldn't take it anymore. He threw the television remote at the picture and it fell behind the television.

"Fucking dead Genos", said Saitama. "Fucking Kamina! Fuck you Kamina!" He started stumbling around his apartment, knocking things over and making a general fuss. Then he stood in the mirror in the bathroom and looked at himself. He was a mess, and he had no hope left. Slowly, he brought his fist up to his temple. "Just one punch", said Saitama, "One punch and its all over..." He drew back his fist to deliver his final blow, when all of a sudden he heard the sound of the door to his apartment being barged open. He heard a lot of footsteps behind him, and when he turned back around he saw Shadow the Hedgehog standing there, arms crossed, with an entire brigade of armed men standing behind him.

"This the guy?" said one of the goons.

"It sure is", said Shadow the Hedgehog.

"But he's just a fuckin' Baldman", said another one of the goons.

"Yeah, a Baldman with one fuckin' arm!" shouted another goon.

"That arm is one of the most powerful weapons in the Universe", said Shadow. "It would be useful for the Skinwalker cause."

"Hey, who the fuck are you guys?" asked Saitama.

"Doesn't matter", said Shadow the Hedgehog. "You're coming with us, or I'mma order my men to shoot the shit out of you. Do you want that?"

Just then there was a scream from the apartment's main room.

"What the fuck was that?" asked one of the goons before he was impaled through the chest with a sword.

"Wha..." said another goon before that same sword lopped off his head.

"Shit!" said Shadow the Hedgehog, and he teleported the fuck outta there. The owner of the sword stepped out from behind the corner. It was Kamina!

"What the fuck?!" exclaimed Saitama. "Why did you save me?" Kamina smirked, then left the apartment without saying a word. Saitama looked at the vacant doorway, befuddled...

ONE WEEK LATER

Saitama entered Solidus Snake's office. Solidus sat at his desk, serenely sitting back in his chair. Johnny Sins leaned against the left wall, arms crossed and a smirk on his face.

"You're doing it!" said Solidus. "You're not number one yet, but your popularity is creeping its way up. And at a faster rate than Kamina's popularity, too!"

"No shit!" said Saitama, a relieved sigh escaping his mouth.

"I told you you could do it, man", said Johnny Sins.

"Thanks, dude", said Saitama.

"Hey, us Baldmen gotta look out for each other, don't we?!" Johnny Sins. "Well, Solidus, I think my work here is done. The Goddess of Sex has been missing me, so I think I gotta go home now."

"As you will", said Solidus Snake. Johnny Sins got into the Yoga Lotus Pose, and disappeared in a cloud of flowers.

"You know", said Solidus, "I think I know what might bump you all the way up to one."

"What is it?" asked Saitama.

"I received a message from Kamina's agent at Manwaifudotnet. Guy called Cool Satano. Says Kamina wants to do a video with you."

"Really?" said Saitama. He was starting to feel anxious.

"Yeah. Apparently he feels bad about something, and he wants to bury the hatchet between your asscheeks. What do you say?" said Solidus Snake.

"Yeah", said Saitama. "Fuck yeah. I'll use every skill that I've learned. This is what all of my training has been leading towards. He'll be fucked like he's never been fucked before!"

"That's the spirit!" said Solidus. "I'll get back to Cool Satano right away!"

ONE MONTH LATER

The day had arrived. Saitama was already hard as he walked through the studio doors. Kamina was sitting on a bench, waiting for Saitama's arrival. When he walked through the door, he stood up and walked towards Saitama. Saitama blushed as Kamina put his hand on his shoulder.

"Hey, man", said Kamina, "Sorry about the shit I said that day in the village square."

"Pfft," said Saitama, "No hard feelings."

"Alright", said Solidus Snake. "So in this scene, you two will be playing characters with the same names as yourselves; Saitama and Kamina. Kamina, you just desperately want to fuck Saitama up the butthole, but Saitama is shy because he's never been with a guy before. Alright, get on the other side of that door, Kamina, and we can get this scene started!"

"Alright!" said Kamina, and he got on the other side of that door.

"Action", said Solidus Snake.

Saitama was sitting on his couch when there was a knocking at the door. He got up and opened it. Standing there was Kamina!

"Hey, mind if I come in?" asked Kamina.

"Sure", said Saitama. He stepped inside and made for the couch. Saitama looked at him, concerned.

"Everything alright, dude?" Saitama asked.

"No, unfortunately not", said Kamina.

"What's wrong?" asked Saitama.

Kamina sighed. "That BITCH Ellen DeGeneres is cheating on me! With another woman!"

"Holy shit!" said Saitama. "Sorry man, that sucks real hard. Any way I can help?"

Kamina turned to Saitama. "Maybe you can suck real hard."

"Whoa!" said Saitama. "I've never been with a man before. I'm not sure I... alright, I'll do it. This is what friends are for, right?"

"Right", said Kamina, and he took off his pants, letting his massive dongus wave around in the open air.

"Whoa", said Saitama, "I didn't know they came this large!" and he started sucking on Kamina's dick. The warmth of his manhood felt good in Saitama's mouth.

"Holy shit", said Kamina. "Fist me while you do that." Saitama nodded, and slowly and lovingly inserted his fist into Kamina's butthole while he kept sucking his dick. Kamina moaned in pleasure, turning Saitama on greatly.

"Fuck me", said Kamina. "I know that your dick is the dick that will pierce the heavens."

"Okay", said Kamina. Saitama took Kamina from behind, and together they entered a realm of true pleasure...

ONE WEEK LATER

Saitama and Kamina were hanging around in a sportsbar, watching the Anime Fight Championship on a television.

"Whoa!" they yelled as Goku shot a hole through Astro Boy's chest. Kamina looked down at his phone.

"No way!" shouted Kamina.

"What?" asked Saitama. Kamina showed his phone to Saitama. "Whoa, we're tied for first place!"

"Let's keep it that way!" said Kamina, raising his beer. "Number One IMPs!" Saitama raised his beer.

"Number One IMPs!" Saitama repeated. They clinked their beers together and drank up. Then they had the manliest fist bump of all time, and continued watching the game. Together.

FIN


	3. ONE FIST MAN 3: PORN IS FOREVER PT 1

ONE FIST MAN 3:

PORN IS FOREVER

Written by Christopher Rangel

PT. 1: THE PATRON SAINT OF PORNSTARS

HENTAIDOTCOM HQ, LONDON

"Action!" said Solidus Snake. Just like that Misty and Dawn from Pokemon started making out on the small bed and fondling each other's cooters. Solidus Snake filmed it all, ready to put it on the internet to make a little more money. He was having a hard time keeping it in his pants, so he decided to take his pee-pee out of his pants while he filmed.

That was the moment that the door was kicked open.

"EVERYBODY DOWN!" shouted the man in black body armor and protective goggles with the word "SWAT" across his chest. "HANDS IN THE FUCKING AIR! IN THE NAME OF THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT, YOU ARE ALL UNDER ARREST!"

U.N. OFFICE, GENEVA, SWITZERLAND

"Obviously, this is a very big problem", said Japan.

"A VERY big problem", said North Italy.

"They're receiving a huge amount of funding from this one source", said Germany. "If we can shut it down, it would deliver a massive blow in our war effort".

"Do you think you can take care of it, United Kingdom?" asked France.

"I... uh..." United Kingdom stuttered.

"Don't waste your time", said China. "U.K.'s pussy ass ain't gonna do jack shit, and the problem is within their own country."

"So who are we going to get on the job?" asked Denmark.

"Me!" came a voice as the doors to the meeting room swung open.

"Donald Trump?" said Germany.

"You betcha", said Donald Trump, a smug smile on his face.

"But why?" asked North Italy. "Your country is an entire ocean away."

"Because I've got some unfinished business with someone", Donald Trump said with a dastardly grin.

LONDON

Kamina had just grabbed himself a bottle of Guiness brand Guiness stout from the fridge and sat himself down at the television.

"This just in!" said the newsman, Anchorman. "Popular pornographic website Hentaidotcom has been shut down today as the website's headquarters were raided by American forces due to possible connections to the Skinwalker regime. Sources say the pornographic website had been contributing a significant portion of their funds to the regime, and that this shutdown is a major victory in the war against the Skinwalkers."

Kamina spilled his Guiness in shock. "Saitama", he said.

"One pornstar associated with Hentaidotcom who goes by the name Saitama is also believed to have some connection to the destruction of the Hero Association Headquarters some time ago. His current whereabouts are currently unknown, but if anyone knows anything about where he is they are encouraged to inform the police as soon as possible."

"Shit", said Kamina. "Don't worry bro, I've always got your back." He looked up at the wall to the framed freezeframe he kept from that time Saitama fucked him in the ass on camera.

"Wait, what the hell are American forces doing here in London? This is outside of their jurisdiction..." he thought for a moment. "Something's not right..."

SOMEWHERE ELSE IN LONDON

Saitama hid in an alleyway. He had just received word from one of the secretaries that Hentaidotcom had been raided.

"What the fuck is happening?" Saitama murmered as he let himself slump against the wall.

"Something terrible for all of us", came a voice. A startled Saitama looked to his left and was relieved to see that the mystery figure in the alley with him was none other than...

"Johnny Sins!" exclaimed Saitama. Johnny Sins nodded with a smile. He was sitting in the lotus position.

"We have to get out of here fast", said Johnny Sins. "Grab onto my dick and I'll take you to the realm of the Goddess of Sex."

"The Goddess of Sex!" exclaimed Saitama. "Alright, let's go." He took a grip of Johnny Sins's cock and the world blinked around him; suddenly they flew through an aether of sweat and pleasure until they found themselves in a misty red room with a crimson staircase leading to an ornate golden door.

"Come on", said Johnny Sins, and they made their way up the stairs.

They walked through the door and found themselves in the throneroom, which was also misty, red, and had a staircase, but this staircase led to a throne instead of a door, so it was different. On platforms on either side of the staircase were an assortment of pornstars, all dressed in red, Greek-like robes. Saitama could recognize Dillion Harper, Mandingo, Riley Reid, James Dean (not the western actor), and Mia Khalifa, among many others. Seated on the crimson throne sat the Goddess of Sex, who appeared to be Velma from Scooby-Doo.

"Your grace", said Johnny Sins, taking the knee, "I have brought you Saitama, just as you requested."

"Very good, my loyal servant", said the Goddess. She stood up, adjusting her glasses, and started descending the staircase, her hips swaying seductively with every step.

"Welcome to my domain", she said. "I am the Goddess LotUS of Sex. Butt you can call me Velma."

"Velma", said Saitama, taking a knee like Johnny Sins. "It is an honor."

"Oh, you don't need to take a knee", said Velma. She made it to the bottom of the staircase and stroked Saitama's cheek. He stood up.

"What is it you need from me, my lady?" asked Saitama.

"I'll tell you that", said Velma. "But first..." she hurled her glasses to the other side of the room then bent over. "My glasses! I can't see without my glasses!" she pulled up her robes over her waist, and while her hands were on the floor, they were not moving. She was not looking for her glasses. Saitama knew what she wanted. He got behind her and stuck his weiner in her pussy hole and and began inserting his fist into her butthole.

"Ooh", she said, trying to keep her voice steady as Saitama thrusted into her. "I can see that the legends were true, this is really good!" She started to drool, despite herself. "It is obvious that you're not a Skinwalker either; you're the real deal."

"Aw yeah?" asked Saitama, trying not to nut.

"Yeah", moaned Velma.

Saitama slapped Velma's ass. "What do you want me to do?"

"Oooh, cum inside me, daddy", said Velma.

"Uh, I, uh, I mean I will, but I mean the thing you called me for", said Saitama.

"Oh, right", said the Goddess of Sex. "Come down, dear!" said Velma. Velma and Saitama positioned themselves so that they were facing back towards the staircase. Down from the staircase stepped a pornstar whom Saitama did not recognize.

"This is Stormy Daniels", said Velma. "The Patron Saint of Pornstars."

"Hello Saitama", said Stormy Daniels. "I need your help. As I'm sure you're well aware, your website has been shut down in a raid conducted by the United States government. This is the fault of none other than the president, Donald Trump. What he's told the press is that he's done it to help the efforts against the Skinwalker regime, but that is not his true motive." Stormy Daniels sighed. "You see, many years ago I had an affair with him. Recently, I opened up about that affair, and ever since he's had it out, not just against me, but the entire porn industry. Hentaidotcom was just the beginning; that man will not rest until he has dismantled the porn industry altogether."

"I'm gonna... I'm gonna..." moaned Velma as she continued to be fucked by Saitama.

"Donald Trump knows that I am the Patron Saint of Pornstars", said Stormy Daniels. "Because of that, he has locked your friends up in the White House, an obvious trap."

"Oh fuck", said Saitama as he continued to fuck Velma.

"So I need to bring together a team to accompany me as I break into the White House and take back those prisoners", said Stormy Daniels. "Since you're the only pornstar from Hentaidotcom who hasn't been detained, and since you're such a skilled fighter, I thought you might be a good place to start. Are you in."

"Ooooooh, I'm in, Oooooohhhh", said Saitama as he blew his load into Velma's cooter.

"Fuck!" said Velma.

"I'm glad to hear that!" said Stormy Daniels. "Do you happen to know someone else who can help out?"

"I know just the guy", said Saitama.

Kamina was asleep. But then he wasn't. He woke up when a rock was thrown against his window.

"What the fuck?" he grumbled. He grabbed his sword and walked to the window in the nude. He opened the window and yelled "HEY, WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I..."

"Kamina!" shouted Saitama.

"Holy shit, Saitama!" said Kamina. He threw on his pants, cloak, and sunglasses and jumped down to the streets.

"How the Hell are ya, buddy?" Kamina asked. "Everyone and their dog is trying to find you and lock you up!"

"I know", said Saitama. "That's why I'm here. Me and Stormy Daniels here are going to put an end to this. We're going to rescue Solidus and everyone else from the White House and put Donald Trump in his place, clearing our names in the process and saving the porn industry. Are you in?"

"Hell yeah", said Kamina. "Who the hell do you think I am?" Saitama smiled and they did a manly handclasp.

"DON'T MOVE!" came a voice. Suddenly they were surrounded by armed agents. "IN THE NAME OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, YOU ARE ALL UNDER ARREST!" shouted the main guy.

"WE'RE IN LONDON, BITCH!" yelled Kamina, and in a flash he had drawn his sword of Valyrian Steel and cut all of their assault rifles in half.

"Holy fuck!" said one of the soldiers. Kamina grinned.

"VALYRIAN STEEL, MOTHERFUCKERS!" and with that he chopped off all of their arms in one swift motion. "Can't be an army without any arms, now can you?" and then they all ran away screaming in pain and TERROR.

"We must get going", said Stormy Daniels.

"You shall be going nowhere!" came a voice from above them. They looked up and saw a silhouette in the moonlight standing upon the London City Skyline. "Saitama!" it shouted. "Your time has come!" The silhouette drew its sword and leaped off of the building. Saitama turned up slowly and saw the blade coming right for his face. He didn't have any time to react, but thankfully Kamina was there to block the sword with his own sword. The force of the blow was enough to knock back the hood that the mysterious assailant had been wearing, revealing that it was Jon Snow.

"Get out of my way", Jon Snow said to Kamina, still in the air, putting pressure on his opponents sword.

"No way, buddy", said Kamina, flinging Jon Snow into the air with his sword. Jon Snow landed on his feet and faced Kamina.

"Valyrian steel, huh?" said Jon Snow. "This should be fun!" he rushed at Kamina, attacked, was blocked, and went in again.

"You're gonna need to try harder than that!" said Kamina. He leaped into the air, spinning to give Jon Snow a good kick in the jaw. Jon Snow stumbled backwards, so Kamina went in for a finishing stab, only to be tackled by Ghost, Jon Snow's direwolf.

"Shit!" said Kamina.

"You may have a good sword", said Jon Snow, "But direwolves don't give a shit about swords!"

Kamina, his sword dropped, wrestled with Ghost, doing his best to keep the direwolf from ripping out his throat. He managed to throw Ghost off of himself and gave the direwolf a swift kick in the nose, then picked up his sword and charged at Jon Snow again, their blades clashing once more.

"That was cheap", growled Kamina.

"At least I lived", said Jon Snow, and he backflipped away, blasting Kamina with ice magic.

"Dammit!" said Kamina, slashing every icicle that came his way in half.

"Why are you protecting this man?" asked Jon Snow. "Do you know what he's done? He destroyed the Hero Association! He works for a company associated with the Skinwalkers! Goddammit, he probably even is a Skinwalker!"

"That doesn't matter", said Kamina. "Saitama and I are blood brothers now. When two bros fuck each other in the ass, that creates an everlasting bond, and that's the sort of bond that we have, so I won't let you get to him!" they charged at each other again, but just as they were about to strike, the fight was intervened by two white haired strangers who blocked either sword with a sword of their own.

"Stop this fighting now", said the female stranger.

"Or else", said the male stranger.

"And just who the Hell are you?" asked Kamina.

"We're friends of Solidus's", said the female.

"What?" said Saitama. Noticing this, Kamina looked about ready to stand down.

"That doesn't mean shit to me!" said Jon Snow. "The traitor must die!"

"And what will that accomplish?" asked the male stranger. "Don't you know there are bigger problems to deal with?"

"Hmph", said Jon Snow. With that, both Kamina and Jon Snow eased on their swords and put them away.

"You guys know Solidus?" asked Saitama. The female stranger nodded.

"My name is 2B, and this is 9S", said the female stranger.

"Greetings", said 9S.

"We fought alongside Solidus Snake during the HYDRA HOLYMISSILE CRISIS in Vaticanland", began 2B. "We've remained friends with him ever since."

"A while back", began 9S, "Solidus asked us to find and watch over you, Saitama, in the case something happened to him or Hentaidotcom."

"I see", said Saitama. He clenched his Onefist. "And did you guys know that he's in with the Skinwalkers?"

2B and 9S looked at each other. "We had no idea", said 2B.

"It doesn't make any sense", said 9S. "His brother, Solid Snake, was killed by a Skinwalker during the Spongecum Incident. There's no way that he..."

"You don't think he could be a..." began Kamina, but he didn't finish the sentence.

"No", said Saitama. "There's no way."

"We can find all this out when we make it to Washington D.C.", said Stormy Daniels.

"You're heading to America", said Jon Snow.

"Yep", said Saitama. "We're going to get right to the bottom of what's happening in the world right now. If you want to help, you can join us. Otherwise, fuck off."

Jon Snow sighed. "I guess there are more important things to take care of than settling this dispute", said Jon Snow. "I'm in."

"Very good", said Stormy Daniels. "Our ship to America leaves tomorrow. Take these." Stormy Daniels ninja-threw tickets to everyone, and they all caught them. Saitama looked at his ticket.

"S.S. TITANIC"

WASHINGTON D.C.

Donald Trump was sitting in the Oval Office, reclining in his chair, feet up on his desk. He yawned and hit the intercom button.

"Yes, Mr. President?" came the voice of his secretary.

"Hi Kathy", said Donald Trump. "You know, waiting for Stormy Daniels to fall into my trap is starting to get boring. Do you think you could get someone to bring Captain America in here so I can put my "Little Donnie" into his poo-hole, ha ha?" There was silence on the other end of the call. "Hello?"

"I'm sorry, sir", said Kathy. "I thought you'd heard. Captain America is dead."

"What?" said Donald Trump. "How?"

"He was stabbed by celebrity vegan John Sakars near the Absorption Gate in Omaha, Nebraska (See "Dialga and Palkia and Pure Evil")

"Sakars", Donald Trump whispered venomously to himself. "Thank you, Kathy."

"Yes sir", Kathy said, and the call was over. Donald Trump removed his feet from the desk and sat up straight.

"GODDAMMIT!" he yelled, slamming his fist on the desk. He stood up and flipped his desk over. He threw his chair through the window at the back end of the Oval Office, then he walked over to the wall and hit a secret button. The wall folded back, revealing his orange Iron Man suit. "I'm going to fuck someone", he said. "Captain America or not!"

TO BE CONTINUED


	4. TITANIC - 2018

TITANIC - 2018

Written by Christopher Rangel

Jack sat at the table with a glass of champagne in one hand while his other hand stayed towards the bolt action pistol he kept holstered at his waist.

"Mind if I sit here, old sport?" asked a man in a suit.

"Sure", said Jack, taking a sip of his champagne. "Why not?"

The man took a seat and extended his hand. "I'm Gatsby", he said. "What's your name?"

"Jack", said Jack, looking around the room disinterestedly.

"Wow", said Gatsby, "Would you have a look at that chandelier?"

"Its a pretty nice chandelier", said Jack, "But not so fair to look at as that girl over there." Gatsby followed his gaze to the girl with the auburn hair who was standing around, looking like she was waiting for someone.

"Wow", said Gatsby. "She's a real knockout."

"Yeah", said Jack, taking another sip of his champagne. "So who's gonna chat her up first, you or me?"

"Ha!" said Gatsby. "My heart already belongs to another, old sport. But I'd be more than happy to be your wingman!"

"Now there's a good friend", said Jack, giving a nod and a smile to Gatsby. He gulped down what was left of his champagne and put it next to the other nine empty glasses. He stood up and said, "As the old Italian plumbers say, 'let's a-go!'"

"Indeed, old sport", said Gatsby. "Indeed..."

The two fast friends made their way through the ballroom, passing between finely dressed individuals, until they made it to the young woman who had caught Jack's eye.

"So", said Jack. "We're on a pretty nice boat, huh?"

"Yeah", said the woman, "it is a pretty nice boat."

"One of the nicest in the world", added Gatsby.

"Yup", said the woman. There was silence. Gatsby coughed.

"So", said Jack, "You come here often?"

The woman laughed. "This is the Titanic's maiden voyage", she said. "Are you fucking stupid?"

"I, uh..." said Jack.

"I'm Gatsby", said Gatsby, extending a hand.

"Nice to meet you", said the woman. "My name is Rose." They shook hands.

"Shit", thought Jack. "This guy is good."

"My friend, Jack here..." Gatsby began, "he was wondering if you might care to join us at our table."

"Oh, I would", said Rose. "But I'm waiting for someone."

"Ah", said Gatsby. He raised an eyebrow towards Jack. "I see."

"Rose!" came a deep, sexy voice.

"Oh, there you are, Billy!" said Rose. An attractive man with smoldering eyes and a figure cut from stone was now standing next to Rose. "Jack, Gatsby, this is my fiancee, Billy Zane."

"How do you do?" asked Billy Zane.

"Fine", said Jack, his hand clenched in rage inches from his gun. Billy Zane nodded to him with a smile.

"It seems like there is plenty of lovely company to be had here", said Billy Zane, looking around in wonder.

"It would appear so, old sport", said Gatsby. "We were wondering if you two might care to join us at our table."

"Sounds like a swell idea", said Billy Zane. "How does that sound to you, Rose?" But Rose was fixated on an Anime Boi with black, spiky hair who had just entered the ballroom, accompanied by celebrity pornstar Kamina, ex-Class S Hero Jon Snow and his direwolf, a couple of white haired androids, and a mysterious older woman with blonde hair who she did not recognize. "Rose?"

"Oh, right, sure", said Rose. "Just... I think I recognize someone." She started making her way towards those people.

"It seems like her interest lies with the black haired Anime Boi", said Gatsby.

"Pfft", said Billy Zane. "I'm not worried. That hair is probably a wig; he's probably just a dime-a-dozen Baldman. Come, let's grab our seats." And so they grabbed their seats.

* * *

Saitama looked around the room. There were so many eyes around; he hoped that his wig would make a good enough disguise.

"Man", said Saitama, "Being a fugitive sure is hard work!"

"Hey, take it easy, buddy!" said Kamina. "We'll be in America before you know it. Then we just gotta take care of Trump and your name will be clear!"

"I hope it will be that easy", said Saitama.

"It probably won't be that easy..." began Stormy Daniels, "but it will still probably be pretty easy. I mean, we're talking about a guy who eats his pizza with a fork!"

"Ha!" said Jon Snow. "What a fuckin' bitch!"

"Indeed", said 2B.

"Excuse me!" exclaimed a young, auburn haired woman who careened right towards Saitama. Saitama gasped.

"Has my cover been blown?" he thought to himself.

"Um, hello", said the woman. "My name is Rose."

"Oh yeah?" said Saitama. "I'm, uh... my name is... Herb."

"Fucking Herb?" Jon Snow muttered behind Saitama with a chuckle. Saitama gave Jon Snow a sharp jab in the ribs with his elbow.

"Herb", said Rose. "Well, it is a pleasure to make your acquaintance."

"Yeah", said Saitama. "Welp, I gotta gooo..."

"Please, you and your friends must have a seat at our table", said Rose.

Saitama and Kamina exchanged a glance. "Um, okay", said Saitama, and they followed her to her table. Rose sat between Billy Zane and Saitama. Jack and Gatsby were sitting beside each other. 2B and 9S sat together next to Gatsby, and Kamina and Stormy Daniels were beside them.

"So", said Billy Zane with a smile, "what are your names."

"I'm Herb", said Saitama, "This is Jon Snow, that's Kamina, those are 2B and 9S, and that's... uh..." he figured it might be a bad idea to use Stormy Daniels's real name, so he said "May."

"Hold on", said Gatsby. "You're May? The wife of the Godchris?"

"Oh, uh, no", said Stormy Daniels. "That would be May from Pokemon. I'm, uh, May from... Digimon."

"Ohhhhhhh", said everyone at the table who had just met her.

"That makes more sense", said Gatsby.

"Anyways, Rose..." began Jack, but Rose ignored him.

"So tell me, Herb", said Rose. "What are you going to be doing off in America?"

"Oh, you know", said Saitama. "Regular, normal stuff. Like, I'm probably gonna have to kill the pres..." Oh shit. "Kill the pres... the pres... uh, kill the present time by just having a gay old time!"

"Oh how lovely!" said Rose.

"Yeah", said Saitama. "Very lovely."

Billy Zane cleared his throat. "Anyways, we haven't introduced ourselves yet!" he laughed. "I'm Billy Zane, these are Gatsby and Jack, and of course you've already met Rose."

"Nice to meet you all!" said Kamina, shifting his Gurren Lagann glasses.

"A pleasure", said Jon Snow with a nod.

"Hey, Herb", said Rose. "Might I have this dance?"

"Uh, sure", said Saitama, and Rose led him to the dance floor. 9S walked 2B to the dance floor as well, and Kamina and Stormy Daniels followed after them, leaving Billy Zane, Jack, Gatsby, and Jon Snow at the table. The band, Queen, was playing their song "One Year of Love", and the dance was a lovely thing to watch.

Saitama blushed as Rose held him closer and closer. He was feeling something... different. Different from anything he'd felt with any of the partners he'd had in his pornos. It was even different from the feeling he got from slamming Kamina in the ass in their bro-like manner. He felt a timid sort of joy, a comforting sort of nervousness. He had exchanged few words with Rose, but still he could feel something being communicated in a nonverbal manner. He wasn't sure, but he thought the feeling might be... love?

"Hey, 9S?" asked 2B. "What exactly is it that we're doing?"

"We're dancing", said 9S. "Its something humans do. When two humans care for each other a lot, they dance together."

"Hm", said 2B. She almost seemed to blush. "This... is nice. I like it."

"I'm glad", said 9S. He took off his blindfold, then reached over and removed 2B's blindfold, then returned his hand to 2B's shoulder.

"Oh", said 2B, stopping for a moment in surprise. But then they looked into each other's blue eyes and, with a mutual smile, they continued to dance.

"They told me I'd never make it in the porn industry", said Kamina. "And look at me now! Dancing with the freaking Patron Saint of Pornstars!"

"Damn straight", said Stormy Daniels.

"But still..." Kamina glanced at Saitama, "Do you think... love can bloom, even on a porn set?"

Stormy Daniels thought for a moment. "Yeah", she said. "I do. I think at any time, any place, people can fall in love with each other. But if you love someone, it has to be more than sexual. I think that's lost on people in these times. The attraction has to be there, sure, but there must be more. I mean, just look at us pornstars! We fuck each other all the time, but most of the time it just forges bonds of camaraderie and friendship. For it to be love, you have to love the whole person, not just their body or their sexual prowess. And not only do you have to love their better traits, but you have to love their flaws as well. Love that their flaws are what make them human, and their mistakes too..." she looked at the two androids as they danced. "Even if you're not human. Love is a magical thing. To feel that someone else is the entire world to you, and to know that that person feels the same way about you. If you find that in life, you should embrace it and never let go. Until death do you part."

"I see", said Kamina, who was looking at Saitama again.

"Is there someone you love, Kamina?" asked Stormy Daniels, noticing that he was looking at Saitama.

Kamina smiled sadly. He saw so much passion and tenderness in the way Saitama and Rose were dancing. "Ha, its nothing important." He sighed and looked back to Stormy Daniels. "Let's just enjoy this dance."

Back at the table, Billy Zane was shaking with rage.

"I will not be cuckolded by an Anime Boi", growled Billy Zane. "If anyone who isn't me is going to fuck my fiancee, I would rather it be fucking Jack here!"

"I know, right!" said Jack. "Rose and I would be so good together!"

"Seriously, though", said Billy Zane. "You could make a fantastic movie out of that. Meanwhile, this here... its like bad fanfiction!"

"Seriously!" said Jack.

"You know", said Jon Snow, "You could do something about him."

"What are you suggesting, old sport?" asked Gatsby. "I thought the two of you were friends."

"I have little love for Sai..." Jon Snow corrected himself. "...Herb. If you're going to play a trick on him, I wouldn't mind providing assistance."

"Hm..." said Billy Zane. "I think we're going to have ourselves some fun with this man."

The song ended and everyone returned to the table. Queen was now playing "The Great Pretender" by The Platters.

"How was that dance, dear?" asked Billy Zane.

"Wonderful", responded Rose.

"Wonderful", echoed Billy Zane, giving Saitama a wide grin. "Wonderful."

* * *

LATER THAT NIGHT

Jack, Gatsby, Billy Zane, and Jon Snow crept through the empty hallway with a bucket of black paint and a paintbrush.

"Trust me, guys", said Jon Snow, "This will definitely get under Herb's skin." They stopped in front of the room Saitama and Kamina were sharing, then turned to the wall across from their door.

"Alright, boys!" said Billy Zane. "Let's get to work!" and they painted what they came to paint, chuckling the entire time.

When morning came, Kamina was the first to leave the room. He opened the door and saw, written in black paint across the wall, the words "U R GAY".

"Grrrr..." growled Kamina. "So what if I am?! Fuck you, wall!" and with that he made for the cafe. He had a cup of black coffee, sitting at the bar in the cafe. The seat to his right was empty. A couple seats to his left was Agent Francis York Morgan, who was staring very intently at his coffee.

"Did you see that, Zach?" Agent Francis York Morgan said to no one in particular. "Clear as a crisp spring morning. 'F K' in the coffee. I knew I could count on it. It never fails."

"What the?" said Kamina, not sure what that man was going on about.

"Don't mind him", said the man sitting right to Kamina's left. "He's just talking to his imaginary friend."

"Ah, I see", said Kamina, taking a sip of his coffee.

"I respect a man who takes his coffee black", said the stranger. "My name is Agent Dale Cooper".

"I'm Kamina", said Kamina. "Nice to meet you." A cup of coffee was placed in front of Agent Cooper.

"Ah", said Cooper. "Black as midnight on a moonless night." He took a sip of his coffee. "DAMN fine cup of coffee. Damn fine."

"Is this seat taken, love?" came a voice to Kamina's right.

"No, go on ahead", said Kamina.

"Excellent", said the voice. "I'll have my coffee with cream and sugar please. Thank you!" Kamina looked to his right and saw that the man who had taken his seat was none other than Freddie Mercury.

"Holy shit its Freddie Mercury!" said Kamina.

"Wait, what the fuck?!" said Agent Cooper.

"In the flesh!" Freddie Mercury said with a wink.

"We're here, too", said the other members of Queen: Brian May, Roger Taylor, and John Deacon.

"Oh, hi other members of Queen", said Kamina.

"Hey", said the other members of Queen.

"I trust that you're all enjoying your voyage on this fine ship", said Freddie Mercury.

"No complaints so far", said Agent Cooper.

"Now tell me, you fine, interesting people", said Freddie Mercury. "What has brought you all here, on the Titanic."

"I'm hot on the tail of the 'I Am' gang", said Agent Cooper. "I've spent years looking for their leader, and I think I've got a lead on a guy named Sam."

"I'm just trying to get to America", said Kamina. "This ship just happened to be going my way."

"And what are you going to do once you get to America, love?"

Kamina thought for a moment. "What if I told you that I was going to save the porn industry?"

"I'd believe you", said Freddie Mercury as he slipped a little cocaine into his coffee. He took a sip. "Ay, there's the rub."

"I noticed that you put cream and sugar into your coffee", said Agent Cooper. "What are you, gay?"

"As a matter of fact I am!" said Freddie Mercury.

"No shame in that", said Agent Cooper, taking another sip of his coffee.

"Hey, Freddie Mercury", said Kamina. "I was wondering; how might one know whether or not they're gay?"

"If you look at another man and realize that your pee-pee is hard, that means that you are gay", said Freddie Mercury.

"Oh shit", said Kamina, realizing that he was surrounded by dudes and that his pee-pee was very hard.

"There are so many interesting people here", said Freddie Mercury. "Look at that group over there. That's Noctis Lucis Caelum, Crown Prince to the Kingdom of Lucis, along with his entourage, heading overseas for the Prince's wedding. Over there, that's John Lennon, still trying after all these years to get his band back together. And over there, that's Joric Jojian, the Armenian JoJo, one of the most notable living descendants of the legendary Joestar family (Eric dis is u)."

"So many fascinating people", said Agent Cooper. "So many stories."

"Indeed", said Kamina. He finished off his coffee and stood up. "It kicked ass meeting all of you", he said. "But now, I must be off."

Agent Cooper, Freddie Mercury, and the rest of Queen waved him off, while Agent York just kept talking to himself.

* * *

Jon Snow was standing at the side of the ship, looking out over the ocean. The air was growing colder, as their path led them more northwards. In the distance he could see a couple icebergs here and there.

"Well, I'll be damned", came a voice from behind him. "If it isn't Jon Snow. How have you been, you old bastard?"

Now standing beside Jon Snow was a familiar, half burned face.

"Sandor Clegane", said Jon Snow. "The Hound."

"I haven't seen you since Oxford", said Sandor. "What are you doing crossing the ocean?"

"Saving the world or something", said Jon Snow. "I don't fucking know. How about you?"

"Haven't you heard?" said The Hound. "Rumor has it that the Skinwalker God, The Beast, is going to emerge from Los Angeles. This fight against the Skinwalkers is going to erupt into an all-out war. I want to be right there when the battle starts."

"I see", said Jon Snow.

"I've probably got some time before that happens, though. If you want some help with whatever you're doing, I might be able to provide some assistance. Who are we fighting?"

Jon Snow thought for a moment. "What exactly is your opinion on the president of the United States of America?"

* * *

THE BRIDGE

"Captain James Cameron!" said one of the officers.

"What is it, Officer Jenny?" asked Captain James Cameron.

"Just providing a warning that we've entered somewhat dangerous waters. We should take special care to avoid crashing into any icebergs."

"Icebergs?" said James Cameron. "Pah! Do you know what ship you're on? This is the FUCKING TITANIC, bitch! This ship as unsinkable as my dick!"

"Maybe so, sir", said Officer Jenny. "But nonetheless, we should still exercise caution."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever bitch", said James Cameron. He lit a cigarette and started smoking it.

* * *

Saitama woke up with a yawn. He looked out the window.

"Shit", said Saitama. "The Sun is already way the fuck up!" He took his time in getting ready and then trudged out the door, putting on his wig on the way out and completely missing the message Jon Snow, Billy Zane and friends had left for him. Once he got up on deck he stretched his Onefist up towards the sky and yawned again. He walked through the selection of amusement park rides that were on the deck and moved towards the prow of the ship. He looked out at the ocean from the prow, and for a moment he could have sworn he saw a man standing atop the waves. He leaned forward, squinting, and...

"Hi Herb!" came Rose's voice from behind him.

"Oh, hi", said Saitama, turning to look at her. When he looked back, the man-like figure was gone. Rose stood beside him.

"I've always liked looking at the ocean", said Rose. "The way the horizon curves away at the edge of our vision, it reminds me of how large the world really is, and how small we are, despite how big we try to make ourselves."

"Huh", said Saitama. "I just like looking at it because... well, its nice to look at."

"That's a completely valid reason", Rose said with a smile. "Tell me, Herb; who actually are you?"

"What?"

"I know that you're Herb, but I don't know a single thing about you."

"Oh", said Saitama, a stressed bead of sweat forming on his forehead. "You don't want to know about me; I'm not interesting."

"But I'm interested."

"Hmm..." said Saitama. "Hmm..." He was really tempted to just spill the beans right then and there, but he didn't want to risk it. Not there, anyways. "Nah, I really shouldn't say. There's some really dark shit, and some stuff that might put people at danger. I should really keep my mouth sh..."

"My father is a major general in the Skinwalker regime", said Rose.

"Fuck!" said Saitama. "Well, okay then." He chewed his cheek, stalling for time. "Alright, I'll tell you what I've got going on when we're somewhere else."

"Oh", said Rose, raising an eyebrow.

"For now..." began Saitama as he began moving right to the very tip of the prow. He raised himself up right at the front of the ship, right over the water. Energized by the feeling of the wind on his face and the splash of the ocean spray, he yelled "I'M KING OF THE PORNSTARS!"

A good way behind Saitama and Rose, Jack stood in the shade of the Ferris Wheel, his pistol held in his shaking hand.

"Good morning, old sport!" said Gatsby.

"WHAT?!" said Jack, pointing the gun at Gatsby.

"WHOA!" exclaimed a surprised Gatsby. "Where'd you... uh, put that gun away."

Jack looked at his gun. "Shit, right." He put it back in its holster. "Sorry about that."

"Don't... sweat on it, old sport", said Gatsby, wiping sweat from his forehead. "Were... were you about to shoot Herb?"

"So what if I was?"

"I mean, it seems kind of unnecessary", said Gatsby. "We DID prank him pretty hard last night."

"Not hard enough", said Jack. "Look at him. He's still hitting on Rose."

"Why are you taking it so personally?" asked Gatsby. "You remember that she's Billy Zane's girl, right? If anyone should be doing anything about this, it should be him."

"You heard what Billy Zane said yesterday", said Jack. "I should be the one cucking him over, not that fucking Anime Boi."

"Look, why don't we go get a drink and..."

"They're going somewhere", said Jack. "I'm gonna follow them. You can stay here or come with me. Your choice."

"I, uh..." stammered Gatsby. He wanted to make sure nobody got hurt, so he said "Sure, old sport. I'll come along with you."

"Great", said Jack. "Let's go. We can bring Billy Zane along with us."

* * *

THE BRIDGE

"Captain James Cameron!" said Officer Jenny, "We're heading right for an iceberg!"

"Oh fuck!" said Captain James Cameron. "We'd all better do our best to alter course so that we don't fucking hit it, then!"

"Aye, sir!"

* * *

Saitama and Rose had snuck their way into the cargo hold and were sitting against the wheel of an automobile.

"Alright", said Rose. "Let's hear what dark secrets you have to keep so well hidden."

"Right", said Saitama. "So first off, my name is not actually Herb..." he removed his wig. "It's..."

"Holy fuck, you're Saitama!" exclaimed Rose.

"Uh, yeah", said Saitama. "You got me. You, uh... watch porn?"

"Of course!" said Rose.

"Ah", said Saitama. "Welp, sounds like you've already seen my ding dong, then."

"Boy have I!" said Rose. Saitama sighed and stood up.

"Where are you going?" asked Rose.

"Since you're already familiar with my work, its doubtless the you only want me for sex now." He put his wig back on. "I was... kind of hoping for something different. But I guess this is what happens when you're in this field."

"I never said that", said Rose. "Please, sit back down." Saitama hesitated for a moment, then sighed and sat himself back down.

"It it true what they've been saying?" asked Rose. "That you and the rest of Hentaidotcom are working with the Skinwalkers?"

"I'm not", said Saitama. "I don't know about everyone else in the company. I just... can't believe that my boss, Solidus Snake, would get us all caught up in a mess like this, but I'm on my way to help clean it up. And anyways, shouldn't you have already known the answer to that question?"

"While my father is a Skinwalker, I am not", said Rose. "I don't agree with what he's doing, but he's still family."

"Huh", said Saitama. "It sounds like we're basically in the same boat."

"No", said Rose. "We're literally in the same boat."

"Ha!" laughed Saitama. He looked over at Rose, who was looking back at him with a smile. In her gaze Saitama could feel the negative parts of himself melt away, then vaporize as she leaned in to give him a kiss. They held each other in loving arms, each committing the shape of the other's face to memory with kisses.

"Tip tap tip tap", came the sound of a security guard making their way towards their position.

"Someone's coming!" gasped Rose.

"Quick, let's get into the car", said Saitama. So, quietly, the got into the car, and within the intimate confines of the automobile, it was not long before the lovemaking continued.

Saitama's courage grew at the same rate as his manhood, and he kissed Rose deeper and more passionately with every passing second, the lengths of which grew as well. He felt her whole body with his whole body, but several barriers of fabric separated the two. Saitama got up for a second and took a hold of the bottom of Rose's dress. He looked her in the eyes, and her eyes whispered "Yes". He removed the dress, slowly kissed her sweet left nipple for a couple seconds, followed by her right, then removed his own shirt and kissed her on the mouth again.

A long time had passed. Music drifted through the air ducts down to the cargo hold; Queen was playing their song "White Queen (As it Began). Saitama had removed his pants sometime ago. His exposed manhood was stiff and ready. So was Rose. His cock slowly pierced through tightly shut lips and into the wet folds beneath as he leaned in to kiss her again. He moved in and out of her. He moaned as her vaginal muscles squeezed against his cock, and she moaned as his cock pushed the folds of her eager pussy apart, only to let them fold back in as he moved out, repeating the motion. When Rose thought that Saitama might be on the verge of finishing, she slowed down a bit and held onto his Onefist, raising an eyebrow. Saitama stopped, and although he was nearly out of breath, he said "Are you sure?"

Rose nodded. "Fist me like one of your Anime Gurlz", she said. Saitama was ready to go after hearing that. He clenched his fist and wriggled his way into her until he was elbow deep. Rose bit her arm to try and keep herself from screaming out in ecstasy. "Oh my Godchris", she said as Saitama removed his arm. Once it was out he blushed a bit, but Rose leaped on top of him with another kiss. And so they carried on...

* * *

THE BRIDGE

"Sir", said Officer Jenny, "We are extremely close to the iceberg. Danger of contact is at a maximum!"

"Don't worry!" said Captain James Cameron, applying as much force as he could to the steering wheel. "We're going to make it!"

"Aye sir!" Everyone in the bridge braced for impact, but as the ship turned to avoid the iceberg, there was no impact, and before long they had passed by the iceberg.

"Phew", said Captain James Cameron. "We avoided it completely!"

The ship had, in fact, missed the iceberg completely...

* * *

Saitama and Rose were sleeping in each other's arms in the car, their clothes inexplicably back on again. They awoke to a knocking at the window. Saitama looked up and saw Jack smiling up at him on the other side of the glass. The door opened and he was yanked out of the car, sprawled on the floor.

"Get up", said Jack, with a kick in the ribs. "Get the fuck up." Saitama struggled to his feet, spitting blood from his mouth.

"NO!" shouted Rose, who was being restrained by Billy Zane and a reluctant Gatsby. "STOP!"

"You don't want to do this", said Saitama.

"Don't I?" Jack laughed maniacally. "I've brought you a little friend to play with! COME OUT, JOJO!"

Out from behind a corner stepped Joric Jojian, the Armenian Jojo. He approached the group slowly and dramatically, a grin on his face which said he was looking forward to a good fight.

"I hope you can box", Jack said to Saitama as he threw Saitama forward.

JoJo cracked his knuckles and gave Saitama a smirk.

"I don't want to fight you", said Saitama. Joric frowned, and his expression turned to disdain.

"I don't know, guys", said Joric. "He said he doesn't want to fight. Also, he only has one fist. I'm not sure I feel comfortable fighting this man."

"But you gotta", said Jack.

"Nah", said JoJo. "I think I'd rather not. This is kinda fucked up."

"Come on, man!" said Billy Zane. "We came all this way to do this!"

"I'll see y'all around", said JoJo. "I've got some flowcharts to work on." And with that he was gone.

"Ah well", said Jack. "We don't need him to beat the shit out of you. Gatsby! Put Rose in the car and make sure she doesn't get out. Billy Zane and I are gonna have some fun."

"No, I'm serious", said Saitama, not bothering to back away as they approached. "You guys really don't want to do this!"

"We're not afraid of you, Herb", said Billy Zane.

"Pah, for the love of..." said Saitama. He whipped off his wig and said "My name isn't Herb!"

Jack and Billy Zane stopped in their tracks.

"My Godchris", said Jack. "You're... you're Saitama." Billy Zane just sat down, dejectedly.

"Its over", said Billy Zane. "I've lost. This man is so much better than I am, both in terms of combat and sex."

"Come on, Billy Zane", said Jack. "We can take him!"

"No", said Billy Zane. "This is a man that can kill gods with a single punch." He stood up. "Let's go."

"No", said Jack, drawing his pistol. "No, I'm not going anywhere."

"Jack, its over!" said Gatsby. "You've lost!"

"No, its not!" said Jack. "I've seen the truth! This is MY movie!"

"Movie?" said Saitama. "What the fuck?"

It was at that moment that there was an impossibly loud "CLUNK" right from behind them. They all turned around and saw a trident sticking through the wall of the ship.

"Alright, what the actual fuck?" said Saitama. Water was starting to leak into the hold. It became obvious that there was someone at the other end of the trident, as it was pressed further into the ship. Then its angle adjusted, and with one swift motion it swept away an entire chunk of the ship's hull.

"UMMMMM", said Gatsby, desperately wanting to be anywhere but right there.

An enormously jacked man walked in through the hole in the hull.

"Aquaman", said Saitama.

"Saitama!" said Aquaman (as played by Jason Momoa). "How fortunate it is that I've found you so quickly!"

"What is it that you want, Aquaman?" asked Saitama.

Aquaman smirked. "Your life, of course."

"I'm afraid that you can't have it", said Saitama, readying his Onefist.

"I'll be the judge of that!" said Aquaman. He walked forward, and behind him a small band of sahagins and mermen followed. Gatsby let Rose out of the car, and they went to stand behind Saitama, along with Jack and Billy Zane.

Aquaman readied his spear. "Your punch may be one of the deadliest things in the Universe", said Aquaman, "But its no good if you can't reach me! My trident has the longer range!"

"Then I'll punch right through your trident", said Saitama.

"I'm afraid you can't", said Aquaman. "Valyrian Steel."

"Of fucking course it is", said Saitama. "Welp, let's go for it then."

"Yes, let's", said Aquaman. "This is for my fallen comrades!" They charged towards each other, weapons drawn.

"We gotta get the fuck outta here!" said Gatsby, drawing his own gun. "Let's go!" They ran for the elevator, but Aquaman's creatures chased after them. Gatsby and Jack looked back behind them, shooting at their pursuers and felling a couple of them. They pressed the button for the elevator.

"Shit!" said Billy Zane. "Since JoJo went back up, we have to wait for the elevator to come back down from the deck!" The elevator was still a long way away when they were cornered by Aquaman's band.

"We're fucked", said Jack. "This is it!"

Rose sighed. "I guess I don't have a choice", she said. She held both hands in front of her. When she raised them upwards, all of the sahagins and mermen were lifted into the air from some unseen force. Rose clenched her fists, and then suddenly the skin flew off of all of their pursuers, flying in separate directions.

"What?" said Jack.

"Ping", said the elevator.

"Elevator's here", said Rose. "Let's go." And so they got on the elevator and got the fuck outta there.

Saitama and Aquaman circled around each other, each one feigning an attack here and there to try to break their opponents guard.

"The water is rising, Saitama", said Aquaman. "You can't keep this stalemate going forever. I'll be fine, but you will drown." He smiled. "I'm already winning."

Aquaman was telling the truth. The water, cold to Saitama's touch, was rising. Still, he had to bide for time.

"Why are you here?" asked Saitama. "What purpose could you possibly have for sinking this ship?"

Aquaman's eyes widened as he said "Revenge!"

"What?" said Saitama.

"I was there, two years ago", said Aquaman. "The day you destroyed the Hero Association. The day I lost... someone special to me..."

* * *

2 YEARS AGO

HERO ASSOCIATION HQ, LONDON

"Saitama..." said Captain Falcon. "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid this cannot be tolerated. You'll have to be locked up for a while, at least until we need you in the fight against him. Superman! Batman! Take him away!"

"IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!" Saitama yelled, and he punched Superman in the gut, sending him flying backwards, through a wall, and he was impaled on a flagpole. Dead.

"Fuck!" said Saitama. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to!"

"Everyone!" yelled Captain Falcon. "Get him!" And all of the heroes erupted onto Saitama.

Aquaman took a hold of his trident and got ready to join the fray, when he was stopped by a hand on his shoulder.

"No, Aquaman", said a calming voice. "You're too far away from the water. You don't stand a chance against Saitama."

"But there is strength in numbers!" argued Aquaman. "That should make up for my impaired strength!"

"Come on, Aquaman", said the voice. "We both know it isn't worth it. Let's just go."

"Alright", said Aquaman. "I'm coming, Shamu." And so he and Shamu the Anthropomorphic Killer Whale made their way out of the command room and ran for the exit while war erupted around them.

"We're almost there!" said Shamu.

"Hold on", said Aquaman. "I'm... out of... breath."

"That's okay", said Shamu. "You're out of your element. It is easy to understand why you would have less stamina on land. Let's just at least keep walking forward.

"Alright", said Aquaman. They kept walking forward.

"Hey", said Shamu, "Remember that weekend we spent in Atlantica?"

"Of course", said Aquaman. "How could one forget?"

"Ain't that the truth", said Shamu.

"I remember there was one mermaid there with stunning red hair, and each scale on her tail shone like the morning sun. Ariel was her name."

Shamu nodded. "I remember her. But let's keep walking, shall we."

"Of course", gasped Aquaman. He laughed. "I remember her telling me that she wanted nothing more than to see the surface world." He laughed again. "I told her there was nothing to see on land except for greed and depression. Still, she wanted to be the judge of that herself, with her own eyes."

"She liked you", said Shamu.

"I know", said Aquaman. He thought for a moment. "Maybe I'll see her again."

"You will", said Shamu. "But I won't."

"What do you..." Aquaman was shoved forward before he could finish that sentence, and there was a great rumbling behind him. When he looked back, there was a pile of rubble where Shamu had been standing, blood oozing from beneath.

"NOOOOO!" Aquaman screamed. He tried running towards where the ceiling had collapsed on his friend, but then a horde of superheroes ran over the rubble and forced him back. "SHAMUUUUUU!" he yelled as the force of the crowd pushed him out towards the light of the exit.

"They never found his body", said Aquaman. "And that's why I have to fight you."

"Huh", said Saitama. "So it looks like it has to be this way, then."

"It does."

"Alright then", said Saitama. "SHOW ME WHAT YOU'RE MADE OF!" They charged towards each other, fury in both pairs of eyes.

* * *

Night had fallen on the deck. Queen was playing their song "'39" while 2B and 9S were riding in the Ferris Wheel.

"Hey, 2B", said 9S.

"What is it?" asked 2B.

"Um, nothing", said 9S.

"Really?" said 2B. "It really sounded like you wanted to say something."

"Oh, well..." 9S said with a laugh. "We've been together for a long time, 2B, and we've been through a lot together." He laughed. "This is really dumb. We've spent too much time hanging around humans; there are many activities that they do that I want to try for myself. One of them..." He looked away for a second, stalling for time. "2B, I want to try having sex with you."

"Really?" said 2B. "Well, that's silly."

"Huh?" said 9S.

"You know that, while we androids were designed after humans, we were not designed with anything resembling human genitals."

9S grunted in distress. "I know that. But still, there has to be something we can do that would feel similar."

"Well", said 2B, "My understanding of it is that humans have sexual intercourse to temporarily feel like they're becoming one with someone they love." A moment for thought. "9S, hack into me."

"What?" said 9S. "Right here?"

"Yes", said 2B. "I'm ready. I want to do this." She smiled.

"Okay", said 9S. Blushing, he started the hacking process, but unlike usual, his aim was not to subjugate an opponent. He matched the power of 2B's resistance, until it felt like their consciousnesses were becoming one.

"Oh!" said 9S.

"Ooh", said 2B. They're was a pleasant sensation that came with either of them oscillating their levels of power just a little bit. They felt perfectly at peace as they became entranced in each other's consciousness. Then... all of a sudden...

"9S, look out!" yelled 2B.

"What?" said 9S. He snapped out of his trance just in time to see 2B jump in the way of a piece of debris that was heading right for him. The debris hit her right in the chest and sent her flying backwards off of the Ferris Wheel.

"2B!" yelled 9S. He leapt from the Ferris Wheel, landing on the prow of the ship just in time to catch 2B. He looked up to the sky to see what was happening.

"What the fuck?" he said as he saw that Saitama and Aquaman and broken through the deck of the ship and were now rising into the air, fighting one on one. As soon as the fighting had started, Queen started playing "Princes of the Universe".

Saitama stood at the tip of that ride that brings people upwards and then just drops them, while Aquaman was floating in the air by controlling the molecules of water from the ocean to apply enough force to levitate or something. Beneath them, the ship's passengers panicked, running this way and that. An alarm had gone off, and people were rushing up from the lower decks. The life rafts were being prepared.

"Women and children first!" shouted the man in charge of one of the life rafts. 9S brought an unconscious 2B there, and the man loaded her in.

"I need to go with her", said 9S.

"Sorry, women and children first", said the man.

"She's an android and she's malfunctioning", said 9S. "Only I know how to fix her."

The man looked back and forth. "Alright, get in", he said.

"Thank you", said 9S.

"Hey, that guy is neither child nor woman", said some random guy hanging by the railing.

Thinking fast, 9S raised the pitch of his voice to his best impersonation of a female and said "Uh, yes I am! I'm just androgynous!"

"Oh fuck", said the random guy. "Sorry about that. I really thought you were a dude. No offence."

"None taken", said 9S.

Back in the action, Aquaman yelled "Let's go, then!" and raised a giant wave behind Saitama, which smashed into the ship, blowing countless passengers over the side, toppling the ride Saitama had been standing on, and sending Saitama flying forward towards Aquaman's extended trident. Before his neck could be impaled, Saitama smashed downward on the blunt side of the trident, shifting it downward, but Aquaman followed the motion and slammed Saitama downward with the shaft of his trident. Saitama smashed through the deck and into the ballroom.

"Saitama!" shouted Rose, as she, Gatsby, Jack, and Billy Zane were making their way through the ballroom.

"Go!" yelled Saitama. "You have to get on a life raft and get out of here! I'll try to get this bastard away from here."

Rose nodded. "Right", she said, and she started making her way out of there.

"Godspeed, old sport!" shouted Gatsby, and then Saitama rolled out of the way of Aquaman's trident. Saitama picked himself up through the roll, and Aquaman pulled his trident out of the floor.

"Ha ha ha!" laughed Aquaman as he raised both of his arms. The ship rocked back and forth, and all of a sudden water started pouring into the ballroom through the hole Saitama and fallen through and through the stairwells.

"Fuck", thought Saitama. "He's pulling the ocean up over the ship. I have to think fast..." He looked next to him and saw that the chandelier had fallen. Then he had an idea. He picked up the chandelier. It was large, round like a shield, and the actual structure from which everything hung down was shaped like a spiral and pointed at the end. Aquaman's grin faltered as Saitama propelled himself forward chandelier first, screaming as hard as he could. The point of the chandelier made direct contact with Aquaman's chest, while his trident barely missed Saitama. They propelled out through the wall and flew a couple miles like that before they hit the iceberg that the Titanic had missed. After making impact, they both rolled across the iceberg. They picked themselves up, standing at opposite sides of the iceberg, the full moon between and above them and the sinking, burning Titanic beneath it.

"Nowhere to run now!" said Aquaman. Sharks circled the iceberg now, and Saitama knew that Aquaman could raise the ocean to submerge the iceberg whenever he wanted. Saitama had to act quickly.

Saitama picked up a long shard of glass from the broken chandelier and hurled it at Aquaman, who responded by throwing his trident at Saitama. Saitama sidestepped the trident, caught it, and leapt forward towards Aquaman as he dodged the shard of the glass, only to find Saitama impale him all the way through with his own trident.

* * *

"Don't you think we should go?" Brian May asked Freddie Mercury.

"No, love", said Freddie Mercury. "Times of tragedy are when people need music the most. The show must go on."

"I still think we should try to get out of here alive", said Roger Taylor.

Freddie Mercury huffed. "I've been keeping this a secret for a while now, but I guess now is the time to tell it."

"What is it, Freddie?" asked John Deacon.

"I've been diagnosed with AIDS", said Freddie Mercury.

"No", gasped Brian May.

"I wish it wasn't so", said Freddie Mercury. "I've only got about another couple days to live, so that means..."

"This is your last gig", said John Deacon. "Our last gig."

"Yeah", said Freddie Mercury.

"Well, I mean, the rest of us don't have to die", said Roger Taylor. "The rest of us can just go on tour with someone like Adam Lambert as our frontman." There was a moment of silence, then the four of them erupted into laughter. "Fuck it, we're here for you Freddie."

Freddie Mercury looked around at his bandmates.

"We're with you", said John Deacon.

"Until the end", said Brian May. Freddie Mercury was starting to tear up.

"Well what the fuck are we waiting for then?" asked Freddie Mercury.

As the Titanic sank around them, Queen played one final song, "Who Wants to Live Forever", until the ocean came and swept them away...

* * *

"Is this what you wanted?" asked Saitama, tired of having to kill other superheroes like this.

"Ha", said Aquaman as he fell to his knees. "Maybe." He fell onto his back, the shaft of his trident pointing towards the sky. He fought to sit himself up, and coughed blood once he succeeded. "My Godchris", he said as he saw the destruction of the Titanic. "What have I done?"

"The same thing that I did", said Saitama, sitting beside him. "Cause purposeless death and destruction while fighting for what you thought was right."

"It was so perfect", said Aquaman. "Once I heard you were boarding the Titanic, I knew it was my chance to strike, to get my revenge." He groaned in pain. "I was blinded by that. Revenge."

"It happens", said Saitama. "Sometimes we all become so focused on one thing that we lose focus on everything else." He looked at his fist. "I'm sorry about Shamu. Sometimes this power is a curse. Just the act of defending myself has the potential to kill."

"Yeah", grunted Aquaman. "We should have just let you alone. Then none of this would have happened. Everything you did, they were just accidents, but accidents cause more damage when you're superpowered, and that frightens people."

"Yeah", said Saitama.

"But what I did was on purpose. What I did was unforgivable", said Aquaman. He looked at the Titanic with tears in his eyes. "I thought that I could fix your violence with violence of my own design, and in doing that I became worse than what you were. If I had chosen peace instead of violence, if I had chosen love instead of hate.." he choked back a sob. "If I had been trying to find Ariel again instead of looking for you... If only... If only..."

"What's done is done", said Saitama. "Just lie down and rest. Its a beautiful night tonight. The sky is clear, and the moon is full. I'm having a hard time staying awake myself, if I'm being entirely honest."

"You're right", said Aquaman. He laid down and looked up at the moon. "You won't be able to make it back to the ship on time to save anyone."

"I know", said Saitama, worrying about Rose, Kamina, and the rest of his friends.

"That's why I've summoned the fastest dolphin in my kingdom to carry you there."

"Thank you", said Saitama, standing up. "Who will rule the ocean once you're..."

"Don't worry about my successor", said Aquaman. "I have spread my seed across the seven seas. Sooner or later, something will become pregnant, and a new ruler of the seas shall be born. Now go. Leave me here to die and paint this iceberg red."

"Right", said Saitama. He walked towards the edge of the iceberg where the dolphin was waiting. He looked back to Aquaman. He looked so peaceful, lying there and looking up at the moon. Saitama opened his mouth to say something more, but no words would come. He got on the dolphin and rode towards the wreck of the Titanic.

* * *

Rose sat on her raft, drifting out on the ocean. She had seen almost everyone else she had gotten to know on the ship safely on top of something, but he couldn't see Jack or Saitama. Then Saitama rode up beside her on his dolphin.

"Rose!" said Saitama.

"Sai... I mean, Herb!" said Rose. "I can't find Jack!"

"I'm right here!" said Jack, floating a little ways away, his body freezing over.

"Jack, there's room for you on this raft!" cried Rose.

"No", said Jack. He turned to Saitama. "No, I refuse", he struggled to speak as he froze deeper and deeper. "This is not my world. I will NOT live in this world."

"Jack, come on!" cried Rose.

"I'm sorry, Rose", said Jack. "I'll see you again, in... in ano..." his jaw fell stiff. He was gone.

"No", said Rose. Saitama dismounted his dolphin and got onto the raft with Rose. He held her close to him, giving her a shoulder to cry on.

(The Ending Theme: "Waves" by The Dear Hunter)

Across the wreck of the Titanic, people huddled together on rafts, emergency boats, and wreckage, cold and sorrowful, but glad to be alive. Amongst the people, Kamina sat alone on his own raft. He looked over and saw that Saitama was on another raft. He was about to call out to them, bet when he realized that he was comforting Rose, he decided to let them have their moment. He sighed, a little jealously.

"Want a drink?" asked Joric Jojian on a nearby raft.

"One drink?" said Kamina. "Who the hell do you think I am?"

"Fair enough", said Joric Jojian, and he handed Kamina a couple habanero craft beers. Kamina took a sip.

"Wow", said Kamina. "This is spicy!"

"Yeah, its rad", said JoJo, taking a sip of his own.

"Hey, look", said Kamina. "Help is on the way!"

On the horizon came a rescue ship, with some helicopters flying above and ahead.

"Just goes to show", said Agent Cooper. "No matter how bad things get, if you hold on someone will be there to help you out of it."

"You've earned a habenero craft beer, good sir", said Joric Jojian, tossing him a beer.

Agent Cooper caught it, smiled, and said "Thank you!"

Day broke over the calm sea as the rescuers came closer, and Saitama and Rose sat side by side, speaking no words when no words needed to be spoken. They were still alive.

POST CREDITS SCENE

The rescuers had taken the surviving passengers of the Titanic to Ellis Island, where President Donald Trump had gone to greet them. Everyone waited in a line to have their passports checked and to shake hands with the President.

Saitama had his wig on when he was face to face with the President.

"Welcome to America", Donald Trump said with a smile.

"Thanks, sir", said Saitama, trying his hardest to smile back. They shared a brief handshake, and Saitama went on his way.

TO BE CONTINUED


	5. THIS IS AMERICA

ONE FIST MAN 3: PORN IS FOREVER

Written by Christopher Rangel

PT. 3: THIS IS AMERICA

"Jack Johnson is the thirteenth person this year to masturbate themselves to death while watching pornography", President Donald Trump said at the press conference on the television. "Its terrible. This pornographic epidemic is a danger to our country, and I vow that I will do everything in my power to eliminate it. Thank you very much." He walked up the stairs behind his podium and the screen changed to some generic commentators. Saitama looked away from the screen.

"He won't get away with this", said Saitama. Kamina nodded in agreement.

"I have the utmost faith in you guys", said Cool Satano. "You just need to do your best not to attract too much attention to yourselves. Saitama, if you leave this mansion you need to make sure to put on your wig. You should watch your back too, Kamina; Trump will succeed in turning some people against the porn industry in general, and you're one of the most recognizable faces in it. Stormy Daniels... you've got special powers, I'm not especially concerned about you."

"Hey, thanks for letting us stay in this mansion", said Kamina.

"No problem", said Cool Satano. "The reason I've bought so many mansions is for occasions like this."

"How many mansions do you have?" asked Saitama. Cool Satano looked at him with an amused smile.

"As many mansions as porn can buy a guy. If you play your cards right, this industry can be very profitable", Cool Satano said. He looked back at the television. "You guys have just arrived here. If you want a chance at beating the Donald, you're going to have to embrace and submerge yourself in the American culture. If you don't, he will destroy you."

"How do we do that?" asked Jon Snow.

"By studying the American way", said Cool Satano. He changed the channel to Pawn Stars.

"Holy shit, I'm American!" said Rick Harrison, spinning his fat cock around in circles like fucking meat-spin.

"Fucking Christ, I'm American, too!" said his son, Big Hoss, who started spinning around his pencil-dick as well.

"Fascinating", said Kamina.

"This will fill you with a lot of American Power, but you'll need more if you want to take on The Donald", said Cool Satano. "I've arranged for a friend to meet you at the McDonalds on 5th street at noon, tomorrow. You'll want to show up right on time, or a little earlier. Otherwise it might be too late."

Saitama nodded. "Understood."

"Good", said Cool Satano. "Well, I've got business to attend to with Manwaifudotnet, so I'm just gonna fuck off now. Bye!"

"Bye", said everyone, and Cool Satano fucked off out of his mansion.

"Pawn Stars is pussy shit", said Rose from Titanic. "If you want to be filled with American Power you gotta watch something like Jersey Shore."

"I guess we have to start out small and work our way up", said Saitama. "If we go too American too soon it might destroy us."

"Yeah", said Kamina. "Besides, I watching this is making me feel American."

"It will do the job", said Patron Saint of Pornstars Stormy Daniels. "But time is of the essence. You must meet the person Cool Satano has directed you to tomorrow."

"Right", said Saitama.

"But why do we need the American Power in order to defeat Donald Trump?" asked Sandor "The Hound" Clegane.

"Because the President of the Symbol of the United States, and as such a massive amount of American Power flows through him", said Stormy Daniels. "Over the years many countries have tried to fight the American President. Iraq, Afghanistan, Japan. Even the United Kingdom, where you come from. The reason they all failed was that they lacked the American Power. Now the time has come for the President to be defeated, and so you need to do what no other challenger has done: Become American."

The Great Gatsby, who had decided to tag along with the team since their destination was near his own mansion, walked out of the bathroom.

"I can help you guys out as well, old sports", Gatsby said. "I am pretty American myself."

"I can confirm this as a Scanner", said 9S. "Gatsby is exuding a massive amount of American Power."

"We got this", said Saitama.

* * *

So the next day they all went to McDonalds. They arrived at 11:30, just to be safe, and decided, with the extra time, to order lunch.

"What should we order?" Kamina asked Gatsby.

"You're gonna want to go with the Big Mac, old sport", said Gatsby. "It doesn't get much more American than that." So they all ordered Big Mac Meals.

"This tastes interesting", said The Hound.

"This tastes AMERICAN", said Saitama, taking a massive bite of his Big Mac. 9S looked very intently at his burger.

"My Godchris", said 9S. "These burgers are 50% American Power."

"Holy shit", said 2B. She took a bite and shivered. "That's a whole lot of America."

Exactly when the clock hit twelve Saitama heard a door open to the restaurant and was surprised to see that it was Childish Gambino who entered. Childish Gambino looked around the restaurant with a cool expression on his face, then reached behind his back and pulled out a black assault rifle.

"HOLY FUCK, DUCK!" said Saitama, and so everyone in the party ducked under the table while Childish Gambino opened fire. Once the gunfire stopped, Saitama poked his head out from under the table, and so did everyone else.

"Holy shit, everyone is fucking dead!" said Saitama. Meanwhile, Childish Gambino walked towards the table, his assault rifle nowhere to be seen. Everyone stood up, trying to edge away from him in fear.

"This is America", said Childish Gambino, extending a hand. "My name is Childish Gambino."

"Saitama", said Saitama, shaking his hand. "Are you... Are you the guy that Cool Satano sent?"

"You betcha", said Childish Gambino. "He said he knew a few fucks that didn't know how to be American, so I was all like 'yeah, man, I'll show these guys what America is', and so here I am."

"Did you really have to kill everyone here, though?" asked Gatsby.

"Hey man, this is America", Childish Gambino said with a smile. "Anyways, we'd better get going. We've got a lot to do today."

"I'm not done with my fries", said The Hound.

"Finish your fries, then", said Childish Gambino.

"Cool, thanks", said The Hound. So they waited for him to finish his fries and then they got the fuck outta there, as one would say in Jersey or some shit ("I'm walkin' here!" LOL, what a shit state)

* * *

They walked down New York City streets to a movie theater called "Dream Theater", where there was a special viewing of the film "American Sniper" starring Bradley Cooper.

"This is one of the most American movies ever made", said Childish Gambino. "Watching this will increase your American Power by tenfold."

"LOL, more like Avenged Sevenfold, amirite?" said Sandor "The Hound" Clegane. "LMFAO, I'm Amurican."

And so they watched "American Sniper" starring Bradley Cooper. Saitama felt especially American after witnessing this iconic scene from the movie:

Osama Bin Laden is alone in a dark room, looking around. He suspects that someone else is in there with him.

* * *

"Who's there?" says Osama Bin Laden. A shadow moves in the foreground. "You there! Who are you?!" It is Bradley Cooper that steps out of the shadows.

"I am American", says Bradley Cooper. He pulls down his pants and points his Sniper-Rifle-Cock at Osama Bin Laden. "AMERICAN SNIPER!" A bullet flies from a screaming Bradley Cooper's cock and right into the forehead of Osama Bin Laden.

"Damn you, American Sniper!", says Osama Bin Laden before he falls to the ground and dies.

"Tell Saddam Hussein I said hi", says Bradley Cooper as he spits on Osama Bin Laden and zips himself back up.

"Okay", said a dead Osama Bin Laden.

* * *

"That was incredible", said Saitama.

"Not only was it incredible", said Childish Gambino. "It was American."

"More like AMERICAN SNIPER!" said Kamina. "That was such a badass line!"

"Yeah dude", said The Hound. "So fucking good."

"Keep yuor pants on, guys", said Childish Gambino. "This day is still just getting started!"

"What are we doing now?" asked 2B.

"You ever hear of a guy called Bruce Springsteen?" asked Childish Gambino.

"NO FUCKING WAY!" said Gatsby. "That shit is my jam, old sport!"

"Aw yeah", said Childish Gambino. "Now there's a real American."

So they went to the Bruce Springsteen concert.

After one of the songs Bruce Springsteen looked at Saitama and his party.

"Whoa, what the fuck?" said Bruce Springsteen. "Hey, you fucking wanna-be Americans! Get the fuck up here on stage!" And so Saitama and friends got on stage.

"Get a load of these fucks!" said Bruce Springsteen. "Look at how unamerican they are! What do you say we change that, fellas!" Bruce Springsteen then shoved all of them onto the crowd for some crowd surfing and started performing "Born in the USA".

"BORN IN THE USA! BORN IN THE USA! YEAH, IT FEELS GOOD TO BE BORN IN THE USA! LAND OF THE FREE, HOME OF THE BRAVE! BORN IN THE USA! FREE AS A SLUTTY WABADASH CANNONBALL! PUT ON A BRA BECAUSE YUR BORN IN THE USA! FEEL THE SCHLONG OF THE AMERICAN DREAMS! FEEL THE POWER WITHIN YOUR MEMES! YOUR AN AMERICAN, BITCH! I'M GONNA FUCK YOU LIKE I FUCKED LADY LIBERTY! FUCKED HER SO HARD THAT I BECAME FREE! GEORGE WASHINGTON SHOWED ME THE WAY! I WAS BORN IN THE USA!"

* * *

"Dude, I was groped so hard!" Kamina said after the concert.

"Fuck yeah, dude!" said Saitama. "Someone grabbed my ass just the way that Rose from Titanic grabs my ass every other night!"

"Fucking sick, dude!" said Kamina, and they high fived.

"We've got one more thing to do", said Childish Gambino. "Just out of town there's a Revolutionary War reenactment. Get through that alive and your crash course in being American will be complete.

"Let's do this!" said Saitama, and they went outta town.

"Welcome to the Battle of Yorktown!" said Alexander Hamilton. "Yo, we've got a whole bunch of fuckin' ugly redcoats coming our way, and we've gotta stop them all."

"Holy shit", said someone in the ranks of the Revolutionary Army. "I think that's actually Alexander Hamilton!"

"What's he doing off of Broadway?" asked someone else.

"Those coats that you're wearing right now", said Alexander Hamilton. "Those are real Revolutionary War Uniforms. Those swords and muskets that you wield. Those are real as well. That British army over there? Those are real Britishmen. If you die on the battlefield, you die for real. The Redcoats that you kill die for real. Its a tough situation, but its what you have to do if you want to become a citizen of the United States of America. And if the redcoats win, well, that means that Britain regains control of the America. Just like Captain America said years ago: 'The price of freedom is steep'. Now, men, onward! To battle!"

"You ready for this?" asked Kamina, holding his sword.

"You bet I am", said Saitama, dropping his sword.

"CHAAAAARGE!" screamed Alexander Hamilton, and then the ranks of the Revolutionary Army charged forward while the Redcoats did the same. As Saitama clashed fist to sword with a redcoat he looked over and saw Sandor "The Hound" Clegane just plow right through a dozen redcoats like they were nothing, immediately killing all of them. Kamina had teamed up with 2B and 9S and were effectively hacking the enemy to bits.

That was when Saitama caught a bullet in his left shoulder.

"Shit!" said Saitama. Then he yelled "Good thing I don't have an arm attached to this shoulder!" and he leaped at the guy who shot him and punched his throat out. Unfortunately, this put him right at the heart of the British forces, and he had a hard time holding off all of the Redcoats with just one fist.

"I've really got to get another arm at some point!" said Saitama. "Hopefully its not too late!" He was about to be impaled in the back of his bald Baldman head when The Kurgan rode up and beheaded the assailant. Saitama turned around in time to see the headless corpse fall to the ground.

"Thanks, guy", said Saitama.

"Anytime!" said The Kurgan, and then he rode off and killed a bunch of Redcoats. The battle lasted well into the evening, all the way to sunset. At the end, the battlefield was strewn with corpses, and in the sunset Saitama stood silhouetted while in front of him, Commodore James Norrington (from Pirates of the Caribbean) was on his knees.

"Please", said the Commodore. "Mercy".

Saitama clenched his fist, then eased. He was ready to walk away when Childish Gambino approached him.

"Good, Saitama, good", said Childish Gambino. "Kill him." Saitama hesitated a moment, and the Commodore looked at Childish Gambino.

"Wait", said the Commodore. "Aren't you... Donald Glover?"

"Kill him now", said Childish Gambino. Saitama hesitated again.

"I shouldn't", said Saitama.

"Do it!" said Childish Gambino. Saitama looked the Commodore in his pleading eyes. He gritted his teeth and punched a hole right in his chest, and pulled out the commodore's heart. The Commodore held the hole in his chest, looked at his heart, and then fell over with his eyes still open.

"You did well, Saitama", said Childish Gambino. "Now the American Power flows through you more than ever. It flows right from the eternal gravy of Captain America's perfect world, 'The United Universe of America' into your heart!" (See "Dialga and Palkia and Pure Evil")

Saitama looked in horror at the heart he held in his hand. He dropped it, and looked at the death and decay that surrounded him.

"This is no American dream", said Saitama. "This is an American nightmare!"

"This is what you had to do if you wanted to gain the American Power to defeat Donald Trump. The history of America is written in blood, and so blood is a necessary ingredient for becoming the perfect American soldier."

"You're right", said Saitama. "I had to do this in order to save the porn industry. I had to become this."

"What did you become?"

Saitama looked Childish Gambino in the eye. "American".

* * *

The day was over. Once everyone had shaken hands with Alexander Hamilton from the hit musical "Hamilton", they all returned to the mansion, Childish Gambino included.

"Hey", said Rose from Titanic. "Aren't you Lando Calrissian?"

"Lando Calrissian is Lando Calrissian", said Childish Gambino. "I'm Childish Gambino."

"Hey, Childish Gambino", said Saitama. "I've been through a lot today. I survived a shooting at McDonalds, watched American Sniper, attended a Bruce Springsteen concert, and fought in the Revolutionary War, but I'm still not entirely sure what America is."

"This is America", said Childish Gambino. He turned on the television and changed the channel to "Jersey Shore".

"Holy shit!" said The Situation, spinning his fat cock around like it was fuckin' Meat Spin, "I'm American!"

"No way, dude!" said Snooki, also spinning her dick around. "I'm American too!"

"This is America..."

TO BE CONTINUED...


	6. MY DAD THE SKINWALKER

ONE FIST MAN 3: PORN IS FOREVER

Written by Christopher Rangel

PT. 4: MY DAD THE SKINWALKER

Saitama sat down on the couch and turned on the television.

"Hello, my name is April O'Neill", said jumpsuit wearing redhead on the TV screen, "And you're watching 'Lame of Thrones', a nightly show where we discuss various world leaders from around the world. Tonight we have a very special episode about the new Prime Minister of France. He's been affectionately dubbed the 'Prime-Rib Minister' by his people, because of his background in the culinary industry and the fact that he still wears his trademark chef hat everywhere he goes. He took down the previous Prime Minister of France, France (from Hetalia) by popular demand, and now he's here to show the world that he means business. His name... is Alfredo Linguini."

The screen changed to a press conference, with Linguini standing at a podium.

"Bonjour", said Linguini. He looked over to the left. "Aidez-moi! Je suis contrôlé par un rongeur! I am Linguini, your new Prime Minister!"

The screen shifted back to April O'Neill. "The so called 'Prime-Rib Minister has been is under fire from critics tonight, due to his controversial first action as Prime Minister." Linguini returned to the screen.

"My first order of business: All Disnians are to leave the country within a week! Je ne veux pas faire ça! C'est le rongeur! Any Disnians who do not leave the country within the week may be detained, shot, or even killed!" April O'Neill returned to the screen.

"This has caused uproar through the thriving French-Disnian community." The scene cut to Beast and Belle, standing in front of their castle.

"What the fuck is this shit?" said Beast. "Belle and I have lived in France all our lives! This is our home! What gives this bastard the right to take away our home!?"

"Its just not right", said Belle. "We've done everything we can to better our community, and now we have to leave it for no good reason? What the fuck is going on here?" The screen cut back to April.

"To further the controversy, rumors have spread that he himself is from Disnian descent." The screen cut back to Linguini.

"But sir", said a reporter, "Aren't you yourself of Disnian descent?"

Linguini fixed the reporter with a cold stare. "No. I am Pixarian. Pixar is not Disney. Je ne veux pas faire ça! J'aime Disney!" He stormed out of the conference room and the scene cut back to April.

"Now I've brought in a specialist to discuss the difference between the Disnian and Pixarian races. Please allow me to introduce..." (See "Remy and the Little Chef")

"What are you watching?" asked Rose from Titanic.

"Oh, Lame of Thrones", said Saitama. "They're talking about the new Prime Minister of France."

"Oh, isn't that the crazy fucker that's kicking out all the Disnians from his country?"

"Yeah", said Saitama, he took a sip of his beer. Rose shook her head.

"God help the outcasts", she said. She looked at Saitama. "By the way, my father's coming to visit tomorrow."

Saitama looked at Rose. "You mean the Skinwalker?"

"Yeah", said Rose. Saitama looked back to the screen.

"Why does this remind me of the pilot episode of 'Four Goodness Snakes'?"

"Oh please", said Rose, sitting on the couch next to Saitama. "This will be nothing like the pilot episode of 'Four Goodness Snakes'".

"If you say so", said Saitama. He looked up to the giant poster of Big Boss that he kept hanging on the wall. "Rest in peace, Boss." He looked back at Rose. "But you know that Skinwalkers are the enemy, right? And that the company I work for is in hot water for possible connections to the Skinwalker regime. Not to mention that Skinwalkers broke into my house once to force me to join their ranks"

"I know", said Rose. "But still, he's family. And he wants to meet you."

Saitama sighed. "Alright. I guess I look forward to meeting him."

THE NEXT DAY

Saitama was looking at a map with the other people in the party, planning their invasion on the White House, when the doorbell rung.

"Saitama!" Rose called.

"Hold on, guys", Saitama said to everyone else.

"Don't keep us waiting for too long", said Jon Snow.

"Its fine", said Stormy Daniels. "Take all the time you need."

"Thanks", said Saitama, nodding. He went to the door.

"Holy shit!" Saitama said as he saw the person standing at the door. He turned to Rose. "Your dad is Rian Johnson?!"

"LMAO, no", said Rian Johnson. "I killed Rian Johnson's ass this morning!" He reached behind his back and pulled down the zipper revealing that he was actually...

"George Lucas?!" said Saitama.

"In the flesh!" said George Lucas, wrapping an arm around his daughter. "So, you managed to reel in celebrity pornstar Saitama for your boyfriend, huh?"

"Ye", said Rose.

"That's my girl!" He walked further into the house. "Hey, what's a guy gotta do to get a drink around here?!" He stumbled into the room where everyone was planning the attack. Everyone in the room stopped what they were doing and looked at George Lucas.

"What the fuck?" said Sandor "The Hound" Clegane.

"Isn't that George Lucas", asked 9S. "Like, one of the Major Generals of the Skinwalker Army George Lucas?"

"Ye", said George Lucas, taking a seat. "And who are you fine skinned folks?" Everyone at the table looked at each other.

"He's just visiting", said Saitama, entering the room.

"Yeah", said Rose. "And he's my dad!" Nobody knew what to say.

"Hey, Saitama", said Kamina. "Mind if I talk to you for a moment?"

"Alright", said Saitama. They walked into the kitchen.

"What in the ever-loving fuck is this shit?" Kamina asked.

"Rose said her father wanted to meet me", said Saitama, "and now he's here."

"Yeah, but, I mean..." Kamina grunted in frustration. "Like, I know the two of you are getting more serious, and it makes sense for you to meet her parents, but this is George fucking Lucas! I mean, didn't he come in walking Rian Johnson's skin?"

"Well, I mean, yeah, but..."

"You gotta get him outta here", said Kamina.

"What?" said Saitama. "I can't!"

"C'mon, man! Think with your head now! This guy is the enemy!"

"Yes", said Saitama. "Maybe he knows what's up with Solidus Snake."

Kamina thought for a moment. "I see", he said. He put a hand on Saitama's shoulder and smiled. "I should have known that you had a plan! Go and get that goddam intel, my dude!"

"I will!" said Saitama, and then he went back to the living room, where his friends still stood tense and George Lucas was still reclining on his chair. Rose pulled Saitama aside.

"I'm kinda surprised", said Rose. "He seems to like you!"

"Really?" said Saitama.

"Yeah", said Rose. "Usually, by this point, he would have ripped off your skin. That's what's happened to most of my boyfriends..."

"What the fuck!" said Saitama. "That would have been good to know beforehand!"

"Well, I didn't want you to be stressed", said Rose.

"And I don't want to lose my skin!" said Saitama.

"Don't worry, if he hasn't taken your skin by now he won't take your skin at all."

"If you say so", said Saitama.

"Hey, Saitama", said George Lucas. "I'm kinda getting a cold reception here. Wanna go for a walk?"

"I guess", said Saitama. "Just let me grab my wig. Oh, and while we're outside, please refer to me as Herb."

"Got it, Herb", said George Lucas, slipping back into Rian Johnson's skin. Saitama grabbed his wig and they went outside into the New York air.

The air was calm over New York City, and the sound was clear and shipless.

"You guys are anti-Skinwalker, right?" said George Lucas.

"Yeah", said Saitama, "But you're a guest in our home. No harm shall come to you."

"Gotcha", said George Lucas, scratching at Rian Johnson's cheek. "Are you planning an attack on a Skinwalker base?"

"No, actually", said Saitama. "We're planning a rescue mission at the White House."

"The White House!?" said George Lucas. "I hope you guys know what you're doing. Very few Skinwalkers have ever been able to penetrate those walls."

"Huh", said Saitama.

"Hey, why don't we stop here?" said George Lucas, and they entered a Starbucks.

The Barista on shift that day was Aladdin.

"Hello", Aladdin said behind tired Disnian eyes. "How can I help you today?" They made their order, and George Lucas left a generous tip. They grabbed their coffees and sat at a booth by the windows. George Lucas shook his head.

"You've heard about the Disnian Crisis in France, right?" asked George Lucas.

"Yeah, there was a special about it on TV last night", said Saitama. George Lucas shook his head.

"Do you know where the stigma towards Disnians has come from?"

"No, where?" asked Saitama.

"There's a stereotype in France that all Disnians are Skinwalkers, just because the first Skinwalker discovered there was Captain Phoebus".

"From 'The Hunchback of Notre Dame'?" asked Saitama.

"Yes", said George Lucas, stroking Rian Johnson's chin. "The Skinwalkers... I believe in our goal, but I understand that the common man will not, and the world is populated dominantly by the common man. I feel sorry for the people who will be wrongly attacked because of stereotypes." He looked at Aladdin. "And some people will be stereotyped for multiple reasons."

At that moment the door to Starbucks opened, and in walked Ichigo Kurosaki (wearing a shirt with the number 666 on it), as well as Kacchan Bakugo and the Iron-Masked Marauder from Pokemon 4ever.

"Well well well, look what we have here", said Ichigo Kurosaki. "An ISIS Disnian!"

"Can... can I take your order?" asked Aladdin.

"Ha!" said the Iron Masked Raider. "I bet he's a faggot too!"

"Hey Skin-Qaeda!" said Bakugo. "You gonna 9/11 this place, or infect our minds with Spongecum?"

"Please, I'm just trying to do my job", said Aladdin. "I don't want any trouble."

"Alright", said Ichigo Kurosaki. "Let's beat the shit out of him." They started approaching the counter.

Saitama clenched his One-fist. "We gotta do something."

"We can't", said George Lucas. "If either of us use our powers, we'd be given away."

"But we can't just let him get beaten like this!" said Saitama. George Lucas stood up and looked at Saitama.

"We can just leave", said George Lucas. "If we leave we don't have to watch."

"No", said Saitama. "Goddamit, I am a hero!" He got up and approached the three hooligans. "HEY!"

"What the fuck do you want, Stubby?" asked Ichigo. "We're busy here!"

"Leave him the fuck alone!" said Saitama.

"Pfft, what?" said Iron-Masked Marauder. "Why the fuck are you defending this clown?"

"He's probably a Skinwalker himself", said Bakugo, igniting napalm in his hand.

Saitama clenched his fist. "As a friend of mine would say..." He looked directly at the three before him, "WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM!"

"Alright, boys", said Ichigo Kurosaki. "Let's teach this asshole a lesson. The three of them lunged forward, and so did Saitama. But just as they were about to collide, they were stopped by what felt like a wall materializing between them. Saitama looked up and realized that it was not a wall that he had crashed into. It was a large African American man!

"My God", said George Lucas, his eyes wide. "Its... THE UNSKINABLE ONE".

"Oh shit, its Luke Cage!" said the Iron-Masked Marauder.

"Now, what the fuck are you punks doing?" Luke Cage asked the three assholes.

Bakugo started, "Uh, we were just..." Luke Cage smashed Bakugo in the stomach with his fist and sent him through the window.

"FUCK!" said Ichigo. "LET'S GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!"

"I can help you with that", said Luke Cage, and he picked both Ichigo and Iron-Masked Marauder by the head and flung them out the two unbroken windows. Iron-Masked Marauder landed on a car in traffic, which caused the driver (Tony Stark) to say "WHAT THE FUCK?!"

"Thank you guys", said Aladdin. "I really owe you one. Is there anything I can do?" Luke Cage gave Aladdin a look.

"A cup of coffee should be fine", said Luke Cage.

"Right", said Aladdin. "And what can I do for you?"

"I already had my coffee", Saitama said, putting his hand in his pocket.

"Right", said Aladdin. "Really, thank you guys so much! I thought I was done for."

"Don't worry", said Luke Cage. "Those assholes won't be coming back anytime soon."

Back at the table, George Lucas was using his power to see if he could find a way to remove Luke Cage's Skin.

"Any Skinwalker who wears the skin of Luke Cage would be invincible", he muttered to himself. "Wait, there it is! There's the seam! Now I just..." He held himself back. "No, I can't. Not today. Not after what just happened."

Luke Cage grabbed his coffee, nodded to Aladdin and Saitama, and then left the building.

"I'm ready to go", said George Lucas.

"Then let's go", said Saitama. And so they went, leaving Aladdin to wave at them as they left.

* * *

Saitama and George Lucas sat on the pier, looking out over the sea.

"You're a good kid", said George Lucas. "I wish we weren't on opposite sides of this war."

"Yeah", said Saitama, kicking his leg out over the water.

George Lucas looked at Saitama. "I'm glad that my daughter chose you!"

"Ha, me too", said Saitama. George Lucas looked back to the see.

"When this is all over", he said, "I hope we can meet again. Maybe I... could walk my daughter down the aisle. Ha!" he wiped a tear from his cheek. They sat there in silence before Saitama spoke up.

"I was wondering... do you know anything about Solidus Snake? Is it true that he joined you guys?"

"He..." George Lucas bit his cheek and squinted his eyes. "I heard something about him. If he is with us, he's probably working under Master Xehanort. That's as much as I know."

"I see", said Saitama. He knew there was something he wasn't telling him, but he didn't press it.

They returned home, but this time George Lucas did not cross the doorstep.

"Goodbye", said George Lucas as he hugged his daughter tight. "I love you so much."

"I love you too, dad", said Rose. They let go and George Lucas looked at the two of them.

"I hope to see you two again", said George Lucas. "Until then, make sure to at least survive the war, even if you don't win."

"Surviving is what I do best!" said Saitama, holding up his Onefist.

"Ha!" said George Lucas. He turned around and walked away. The last words either of them ever heard him say were "May the Force be with you!"

TO BE CONTINUED


	7. A SONG OF SNOW AND IRON

ONE FIST MAN 3: PORN IS FOREVER

Written by Christopher Rangel

PT. 5: A SONG OF SNOW AND IRON

* * *

2 YEARS AGO

LONDON, ENGLAND

Not a sound was heard among the rubble, the desolation, the burning wreckage that once had been the Headquarters of the Hero Association. Chaotic rock and ruin lay in the heart of London, a silent memorial to the heroes who had fallen at the hands of mistake. One of those hands lay still upon the rubble, attached to an arm which had once belonged to a hero known as Saitama. This arm was picked up by another arm, connected to a man whose identity was shrouded by a dark cloak.

"This should come in handy", said the mysterious man, putting the arm into a cold, open suitcase, and closing it. He picked up the suitcase and took a little time to watch over the burning wreckage below. "I must remember to pay my dear brother a visit", the man said, before departing on hasty, purposeful footsteps, laughter crackling through the air in many voices.

* * *

THE PRESENT

NEW YORK CITY, NY

"Son of a bitch!" exclaimed Saitama, throwing his arm into the air. On the computer screen flashed the words "KING KAZMA WINS!" while a pixelated image of King Kazma jumped up and down in celebration.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Jon Snow asked as he passed by.

"Fucking losing", said Saitama. "Fucking rabbit-ass mother-fucker, I bet he would lick his balls if he had any balls to lick but he doesn't. Maybe that's where he get's his strength. If only I had lost my balls instead of my arm, then I..."

"Hey", said Jon Snow, extending a glass of wine towards Saitama, "Settle down."

"Sorry", said Saitama, taking the glass. He took a sip. "Thanks."

"No problem", said Jon Snow. They each took a sip of their wine as Ghost came by and sat at Jon Snow's feet.

"So, I was wondering", said Saitama, "What were you up to after I, you know... threw you hundreds of feet through the air?"

"Ha!" said Jon Snow. "Hundreds of feet? Try hundreds of miles!"

"Really?" said Saitama. "Fuck."

"Yeah", said Jon Snow, sipping his wine. "Anyways, if you really want to hear about it..."

* * *

2 YEARS AGO

"The first thing I remember was this voice saying 'Hey! Jon Snow! Hey!' and then I felt a couple light kicks at my side. I realized that my black as I started coming to, and so I started opening my eyes.

'Hey! Jon Snow! Hey!' went the voice. My eyes were open, but the world was still a blur. 'Good, you're alive. You had me worried there!'

'Where am I?' I asked.

'France', said the blurred man. 'I found you in a crater in the dirt, Ghost sitting by your side and waiting for you to wake up. I brought you back here to give you somewhere... at least somewhat comfortable to finish resting."

'Huh', I said, and then my vision cleared. 'Oh, I hadn't recognized you, Danny.' It had been a while since I had seen Danny Rand, the man whose hero name was Iron Fist.

'I take it your vision has cleared up', said Danny. 'That's good.'

'Yes', I agreed. 'I assume you heard about what went down at the Hero Association HQ.'

'I did', said Danny. 'I wish I had been there. I'm one of the few people with a punch that can rival Saitama's. Perhaps things would have gone differently if I hadn't been away.'

'Perhaps', I said. I tried to sit up, but the pain put me back on my back. 'Shit.'

'Take it easy', said Danny. 'You took quite the hit!'

'You can say that again!' I said. I hesitated a moment. 'If you don't mind, I'm curious. Why weren't you at the Headquarters? What are you up to?' It was Danny's turn to hesitate then.

'I'm on a secret mission', said Danny.

'For the Association?' I asked.

'No', said Danny. 'Someone else.'

'I see', I said. 'I take it you can't tell me who this person is.'

'Correct', said Danny.

'You don't trust me?'

'Its not that', said Danny. 'Its just that this information is sensitive. Even if just you, someone that I trust, were to know, that might be a potential risk to the mission I'm on.'

'Do you need any help?' I asked. Danny thought for a moment.

'Well', he said. 'My objective isn't too far from here, and you do need some time to heal. I suppose a little help wouldn't hurt.'

'Alright', I said. 'I'll do whatever you need. If its that important, only tell me the information that I absolutely need to know.'

'Okay', said Danny. 'I'm glad you understand.'

'So where are we going, anyways?' I asked.

'I'm not entirely certain', said Danny. 'But there's not much further to go.'

'Alright', I said. 'I guess you lead the way.'

The next day Danny and I went outside, seemingly just to go for a walk.

'What are we doing?' I asked.

'I'm looking for a sign', said Danny. 'Something to tell me where I'm supposed to go next, or provide a hint as to what I'm supposed to be doing.'

'Wait, so you don't actually know what your mission is?'

'Of course not', said Danny. 'If I knew what I was supposed to do, then that would mean the enemy would be able to anticipate everything I was going to do. My master has insisted on directing me through subtle means to get the job done.'

'If you say so', I said. I couldn't really do much in my condition, so I stayed along with him.

'Hey, do you see those?' Danny asked, looking out over a pond.

'What?' I asked.

'These', Danny said, indicating some flowers that were on the shore of the pond. 'You know what kind of flowers these are?'

'Can't say that I do', I responded. Danny stooped down and looked closely at one of the flowers.

'Lotus flowers', he said. He stood up and observed the entire pond again. 'They're formed in an isosceles triangle, with the top-most point pointing in that direction. Come on, Jon Snow! We've got to climb that hill!'

And so we climbed that hill, and found ourselves looking down on a massive dome of darkness.

'That's our destination', said Danny. 'The Kingdom of Darkness'.

We walked down the hill and crossed through the dark barrier to a world of eternal darkness, lit by the houses that spotted the landscape and, at the center of it all, the grand, ancient castle. The artificial light shone upon grey grass and cast pale shadows across the land. After a decent walk we made it to the castle.

'What business do you have here?' asked one of the castle guards. Without saying a word, Danny took out a piece of paper and showed it to the guard.

'I see', said the guard. 'Welcome to the Kingdom of Darkness.' As Danny put away the paper I noticed it had the image of a Lotus flower on it. The guards stepped out of the way and we entered the castle.

We made our way to the throne room, where a sort of celebration seemed to be happening, with people chatting in groups. There was also a Metal Gear dressed in kingly raiment. I wasn't entirely sure what that was about. Anyways, on the other side of the room the King and the Queen sat on their thrones, but when he saw us, the King stood up and made his way towards us.

'You must be King Dauntless', Danny said.

'I am', said King Dauntless. 'And you must be the Agent of the LotUS which I dreamed about.'

'I suppose I must be', Danny said with a smile.

'What is it that you're here for?'

'I don't know', said Danny. 'My master has deemed it important for me to figure out my mission on my own, so as not to grant the enemy any edge.'

'I see', said Dauntless. 'Come, let's walk!' We started walking towards a hallway to speak in private when all of a sudden a shriek burst out from someone in the hall. We turned around and saw people part as someone walked towards the thrones. Dauntless led our way to the aisle that formed, and we stood between the stranger and the throne. The first thing I noticed was that this man was carrying a boy's lifeless body, which no doubt why there was a shriek. Then I recognized the man: It was Liquid Snake, or Eli, as he preferred to be called.

'What are you doing here?' Dauntless asked. 'Who is it that you carry?'

'A dead son of your kingdom', Eli said, placing the boy at the king's feet. 'And my adoptive nephew.' I saw Dauntless's nose flair, and Danny's fist began to glow gold. I looked down at the boy, and realized it was none other than the villain. Gregory Stapleton of Winchester Nevada.

'Why did you bring him here?' asked Dauntless.

'This is the place where he was born', said Eli. 'I thought it would be right for his body to be returned here!'

'Well, you've returned him', said Dauntless. 'Now you may go.'

'Very well', said Liquid. As he turned he made eye contact with both me and Danny. As soon as he left the throneroom Danny looked at me.

'We have to follow him', Danny said.

'Why?' I asked.

'He is the mission', said Danny. 'Let's go!' So I followed him out.

'Wait!' said Dauntless. 'What do I do about this?' he indicated the body of Gregory Stapleton.

'Bury him', said Danny. 'Or burn him, or do whatever you usually do to the deceased here.' He took a breath. 'This is his home, after all.'

'Right', said Dauntless. He sighed. 'What a night to have an anniversary celebration.'

Danny and I left the castle and returned to the darkness of the countryside.

'Where did he go?' Danny wondered, looking in every direction and seeing no trace of Eli, the LotUS of Sanity.

'I'm right here', Eli's voice echoed, and suddenly the world submerged into... not even pure darkness, but absolute disappearance in terms of all senses.

'Danny!' I yelled. I drew my sword, and proceeded with caution, muttering 'The night is dark and full of terrors, but none so terrifying as me', under my breath. I couldn't feel the earth beneath my feet, but I hoped I was going forward. I kept my mind open, hoping to feel or sense anything at all. Then I saw one of the shadows move, and I pursued it.

'Danny, is that you?' I called.

'No, it is not him', Eli's voice echoed through the oblivion. Then the shadow jumped at me, pinning me to the ground. My sword disappeared a little ways away from me.

'Dammit', I said, wrestling with the shadow. I got it off of me, then get on top of it with the intention of choking it out, but when I wrapped my hands around its neck it melted back into the shadows. I reached around, trying to find my blade but to no avail.

'Where are you, you bastard?!' I called.

'Why do people keep calling me a bastard?' his voice echoed through the darkness. 'And why are you, of all people, calling me a bastard when you yourself are the bastard of Ned Stark?'

'You knew my father?' I asked. He only laughed in response. 'Do you know who my mother was?'

'I would be more curious as to who your father was', he said.

'What do you mean?' I asked.

'Oh, nothing', he responded. 'Just checking to see when you're from. I have a good idea now.' A curtain parted and I saw Eli walking towards me, carrying my sword.

'I believe this is your's', he said. He extended the handle to me, and I grabbed it cautiously, then slowly stepped back from him. He took a step back as well, which is when I charged forward and slashed at him. The moment I made contact was when the shroud of darkness dissipated, and a scream echoed through the eternal night. I looked down and saw what I had done.

'Dammit! Danny, I'm so sorry', I said.

'Its fine', Danny said, trying to pick himself up with his one remaining arm. 'He was playing a trick. I don't blame you for falling for it.'

'Your arm!'

'I've lost the Iron Fist', said Danny, 'But I haven't lost my life. While the Fist dies, Danny remains.'

'Indeed', said Eli, casually making his way towards us. 'And while you continue to remain, would you kindly tell your master, Alan, to fuck off? I'm sure the LotUS of Peace has better things to do than stalk little old me.'

'You've gone rogue', said Danny. 'Someone needs to keep an eye on you.'

'As you can see, I disagree', said Eli. He started walking away. 'Now if you excuse me, I have much business to attend to. As the Godchris would say: 'Sayonara!'' And just like that, he was gone.

I helped Danny back to the castle.

'This is not good', Danny said. 'He's become too powerful'.

'Don't worry about it', I said. 'If worse comes to worst, the Godchris will be more than capable of taking care of him.'

'I hope so', said Danny. 'But I have no idea what he's planning.'

We returned to the castle, where a doctor took care of Danny's wound. Then we left as soon as we arrived.

'Dammit, I'm useless', said Danny.

'Don't say that', I said. 'You may have lost the Fist, but there's still so much you can do.'

'If you say so', he said unconvinced. Once we crossed through the darkness we parted ways. I haven't seen him since.

I spent a few weeks in Normandy as I finished recovering our fight, then I returned to London and prepared to face you again. When I felt the opportunity was right, I went in for the attack, and now... here I am."

* * *

"Wow", said Saitama. "What a story, Jon."

"Thanks", said Jon Snow, finishing his wine. He looked into his empty glass. "You know, the way Danny's master sent him on his mission, guiding him like a hand of fate. It makes me think. What if there is some grand plan that we're all a part of, and what seems like random occurrence is just the subtle guidance of a hand of fate."

"I dunno", said Saitama. "I figure it doesn't really matter. Either way, we just have to keep living our lives and hope for the best." Saitama finished his wine.

"I guess", said Jon Snow. There was a knocking at the door.

"I'll get it!" Kamina yelled from somewhere in the house. There was the sound of footsteps, then of the door opening, then there were gunshots.

"Son of a bitch!" exclaimed Kamina, and there was the sound of struggle. Saitama and Jon Snow both got up and made for the door, where Kamina was fighting with a number of military men.

"Goddamit!" Jon Snow. "How did they know we were here?"

"I don't know!" said Kamina, "But I sure as fuck want them out of here!"

"Dammit, it must have been the game!" said Saitama. "They must have traced the signal!"

They all pressured the soldiers out of the house and continued the fight on the mansion's lawn. 2B, 9S, Sandor "The Hound" Clegane, and Rose joined in the fight, and while they all fought valiantly, they realized there was no way to win this fight.

"Its hopeless!" 9S yelled as he stabbed a soldier through the chest. "There's too many of them!"

"We need more power!" said Jon Snow. He looked to Saitama. "American Power!"

"Right!" said Saitama. He clenched his fist and focused as hard as he could, then he released all the energy he had built up and lifted his fist up towards the sky.

"Hey, what the fuck is that?" one of the soldiers asked as he looked up at the sky. An instant later a bald eagle descended from the sky and stabbed two sharp talons into each of the soldier's eyes, then flew to another as that soldier fell to the ground, screaming while holding his hands over eye sockets gushing blood. All of a sudden the entire army was bombarded by an army of eagles that would have made Gandalf proud.

"What do we do?" asked one of the soldiers.

"We can't shoot them!" said another one of the soldiers. "They're bald fucking eagles!" exclaimed another soldier.

"FALL BACK! FALL BACK!"

Childish Gambino leapt out from a bush and mowed down a whole lot of soldiers with an assault rifle. "Come on, guys! While they're distracted!" And so they all followed Childish Gambino's lead, with Gatsby and Stormy Daniels in the rear. Everyone was out of the mansion just in time as it was bombarded by a drone strike.

"Looks like Cool Satano is down a mansion", said Gatsby. "I'm glad I didn't have you guys crash at my mansion; I've only got one of those."

They hid out in a waterway.

"Well that's pretty fucked", said Kamina.

"What do we do now?" asked Rose. Stormy Daniels looked at Saitama with a smile.

"Yes, what do we do now?"

Saitama looked down at the ground and thought for a moment. "I guess its time to go to Washington!"

* * *

WASHINGTON D.C.

Donald Trump was looking out the window of the Oval Office with a glass of "Piss Whiskey" when General Robert E. Lee walked into the room.

"I trust that the raid was a success", said Donald Trump.

"Unfortunately not", said Robert E. Lee. "They all got away."

Donald Trump sighed. "No matter. Those pussy sucking dick eaters are in my world now, and they'll face no mercy on their road to our fight." He left the Oval Office, leaving General Lee there, bowing to his President.

Donald Trump made his way down a hallway and to an elevator, which he took to an underground chamber. He walked down a long, granite hallway and went through the door at the end.

"They're on their way now", said Donald Trump.

Solidus Snake slowly looked up, his chained, withered body shaking from the effort. The flesh on his skin wrinkled as he said "Good. I hope you're ready for them."

"I wouldn't be worried about me", said Donald Trump. He turned back to the door to leave. "I know that I'm not."

TO BE CONTINUED


	8. REVERSE BALROG

ONE FIST MAN 3: PORN IS FOREVER

Written by Christoher Rangel

PT. 6: REVERSE BALROG

Sasha Grey walked into a bar that was a very roughneck sort of place and took her seat.

"What'll you have?" asked the bartender, Korra.

"Whiskey", said Sasha Grey.

"Straight?" asked Korra.

"Straight as my ex", said Sasha Grey.

"Ah, got it", said Korra. She gave Sasha Grey her drink.

"Thanks", said Sasha Grey, and she pounded that drank, boi!

The door opened again and someone took a seat next to Sasha Grey.

"Sasha Grey..."

"Johnny Sins", said Sasha Grey. "Long time no see."

"Yeah", said Johnny Sins. He turned to Korra and said "I'll have what she had."

"Straight?"

"As straight as her ex."

"Gotcha!"

"Let's cut the shit, Johnny", said Sasha Grey. "What the fuck do you want?"

"I need your help", said Johnny Sins. "We need your help."

Korra gave Johnny Sins his drink, but Sasha Grey snatched and drank it herself before he could reach it.

"I left that scene behind", said Sasha Grey. "You know that."

"I know", said Johnny Sins. "But this is important, and you may be involved anyways."

"I've heard about enough of your shit", said Sasha Grey, and she got up and made for the door.

"Sasha, wait!" said Johnny Sins.

Right before Sasha Grey made it to the door, someone on the other side opened it up, revealing three armed soldiers with the words "PORN SQUAD" printed across their vests.

"Fuck!" said Sasha Grey, and she started backing away.

"EXECUTE ORDER 69!" Donald Trump's voice rang through the bar from one of the Porn Squad's walkie-talkies. The soldiers readied their guns and opened fire. Korra ducked behind her bar, and Johnny Sins tackled Sasha Grey to get her out of the way.

"Its not a question of whether or not you want to be a part of this. You are a part of this, and you're gonna have to come with me if you want to live! Goddammit, you've still number 13 on the IMPs"

"Fuck", said Sasha Grey. "Alright!" And they ran for the backdoor.

"They're getting away!" said one of the soldiers. "After them!"

"Where are we going?" asked Sasha Grey.

"I know a guy", said Johnny Sins. "He's a Baldman. LIKE ME!"

* * *

Everything changed once the President issued Order 69. Pornstars across the country were hunted like dogs, and those who didn't lose their lives were locked up in terrible conditions.

WASHINGTON D.C.

Donald Trump stepped onto the White House lawn as Velma, the Goddess LotUS of Sex, descended from the sky to face him.

"Donald, stop this madness!" said Velma.

"Stop this madness?" guffawed Donald Trump. "I am stopping this madness. Your madness! The madness that you think that putting a camera in the room makes it legal to exchange money for sex! WRONG!"

"We both know this has nothing to do with that", said Velma.

"Do we?" said Donald Trump. He turned to Mike Pence and said, "No, actually, do we?"

"No, we don't know that", said Mike Pence.

"We don't know that!" said Donald Trump.

"You realize this means war, don't you?" asked Velma.

"You realize this means you're a whore, don't you?" asked Donald Trump.

"War it is", said Velma, and she turned away to go back the way she came, but then Donald Trump hit her over the head with a steel pipe.

"Lock her up with the Snake Boi", said Donald Trump, and he went back into the White House.

* * *

THE LONG AND WINDING ROAD

"We're not too far from the New Jersey/ Delaware border", said Gatsby from the driver's seat of his White Limo.

"Thank the Godchris!" said Saitama. "I'm not sure how much more Jersey I can take! Its such a shit state!"

"Such a shit state", said Sandor "The Hound" Clegane.

"Such a fucking shit state", agreed Saitama. "I hope nothing bad happens that would mean we'd have to spend more time in shitty fucking New Jersey!" It was at that moment that a fully armed military chopper appeared over the horizon and shot a hundred missiles towards the limo.

"NOOOOO!" said Saitama. "Drive, man, drive! If we're gonna be hit by those missiles, at least let it be after we cross the border so we don't have to actually set foot on shitty fucking New Jersey ground."

"Right", said Gatsby, and he stepped on the gas.

"I've got this", said Stormy Daniels, and she lifted a hand to destroy the helicopter with Pure Pornographic Energy, but none such energy would activate. "What?" she clutched her head. "I sense a disturbance."

"Yeah, me too", said Kamina.

"The LotUS of Sex", Saitama, Kamina, and Stormy Daniels said in unison.

"What about her?!" Jon Snow yelled over a missile that exploded next to the car.

"Something's happened to her", said Stormy Daniels. "We need to make it to DC fast!"

"I'm doing the best I can!" said Gatsby as he swerved out of the way of another missile.

"Let me handle this", said Childish Gambino. He put on a Rambo-ass bandanna, opened up a window, and pointed a rocket launcher at the chopper.

"Rest in pieces, motherfucker", said Childish Gambino, and he pulled the trigger. "Fuck, I'm out of ammo!"

"Are you fucking my asshole?!" said Gatsby. "Can anyone take this motherfucker out of the sky?!"

"Drive towards the next missile that comes by!" said Childish Gambino.

"What?!" said Gatsby. "Why the fuck would I do that?!"

"So that I can catch one of the chopper's missiles in my missile launcher and shoot it back at it."

"Will that even fucking work?" asked Rose.

Childish Gambino turned to Rose and gave her a smile. "You bet it will."

"Alright, I'm fucking doing it, old sport!" said Gatsby, and he drove towards the next missile while Childish Gambino held his rocket launcher out the window.

"Come on, come on!" said Childish Gambino. The missile made contact with the missile launcher. "FUCK!" Childish Gambino said as the missile took his launcher right out of his hand, then detonated behind Gatsby's limo, throwing it right off of the road.

Saitama found himself lying on the road, his arm stretched forward. He looked up and saw a sign saying "WELCOME TO DELAWARE", but his hand was just out of reach of the border.

"No..." said Saitama. "I'm still in fucking New Jersey. Fuck! NOOOOOOOOO!"

"What the fuck was that, old sport?!" said Gatsby. "Why the fuck did you think that would work?"

"Hey, man", said Childish Gambino. "You thought it would work, too!"

"Settle down, guys", said Kamina. "We've got bigger problems on our hands." The helicopter hovered in the air above the team. The door opened, and someone poked their head out of the helicopter. It was The Governor (from The Walking Dead).

"Hello!" shouted the Governor. "I am the Governor. But you can call me... THE GOVERNOR OF NEW JERSEY!"

"Bastard!" Yelled Saitama. "WHY IS YOUR STATE SO SHITTY?!"

"FUCK YOU!" yelled The Governor, and he jumped out of the helicopter and did a superhero landing in front of the group. The helicopter crashed into some poor fucker's house. "I hope that you learn to love my state, because after I fucking kill you, I'm gonna fucking bury you RIGHT WHERE YOU STAND!" The Governor rushed towards the group, who stood ready to fight. "AAAAAARRRGGGHHH!" The Governor screamed as he held his hand to his heart. Suddenly his body was covered by mighty red white and blue armor.

"Tch", said Kamina. "American Power."

"Damn right this is American Power", said The Governor. He punched the ground with an armored fist, shattering the ground beneath the group's feet and sending them into the air. "YOU!" The Governor shouted, pointing at Saitama.

"Oh, fuck me", Saitama as The Governor leaped towards him, grabbed him by the neck, and continued soaring through the sky.

"You've fucked up now!" said Saitama. "I'm gonna reverse Balrog you!"

"If you think that you're fucking Gandalf in this Reverse Balrog fight then you've got another thing coming!" yelled The Governor, smacking Saitama across the face.

"I'm not saying I'm fucking Gandalf, but I'm definitely not the fucking Balrog!" said Saitama as he bitch slapped The Governor.

"Did you just fucking bitch slap me?!" asked The Governor.

"You bet I did!" said Saitama.

"I'm gonna fucking close a bridge on you, dick!" said The Governor, and he punched Saitama in the gut, sending him higher into the sky.

Before long they were on the fucking moooooon!

"Bonjour", said one of the Moonmen.

"Not now, Moonmen!" said The Governor.

"Ils ne sont pas Disnians. Laissez les être", said another Moonman, and the Moonmen went away.

"You've made a huge mistake", said Saitama.

"How so?" asked The Governor.

"You should know that if there's one thing you don't do with Saitama of the Onefist, its The Reverse Balrog."

"Why so?"

"Because what goes up must come down", said Saitama. He punched The Governor in the gut, sending them both back down to Earth. "And so The Reverse Balrog unreverses to a regular Balrog!"

"OOF!" said The Governor as he was punched repeatedly by Saitama as they passed through the clouds.

"THIS IS FOR EVERY STATE THAT IS NOT NEW JERSEY!" said Saitama. "HOW DARE YOU TARNISH THE USA WITH YOUR SHIIIIIT!"

The Governor's body broke completely and immediately as it crashed into the ground.

"Liberty and Prosperity?" said Saitama. He spat on The Governor's corpse. "More like Libershitty and Pissperity!"

"Saitama, what have you done?" asked Childish Gambino. "Oh Godchris, what have you done?"

"I fucking killed this bitch! Hah!" said Saitama.

"Oh God, you... oh God..." said Childish Gambino. Suddenly the Earth started to shake beneath them.

"What's happening?" asked 9S.

"The Qliphoth", said Childish Gambino. "You can't just kill the governor of a state! If a state is left without a governor, that state will fall into the Qliphoth!" (See "Dialga and Palkia and Pure Evil")

"Fuck it", said Saitama. "Its just New Jersey, and the border is right there!"

"Are you kidding me?!" said Kamina. "You can't just let the entire state of New Jersey die!"

"Why not?" asked Saitama.

"Saitama, do you accept the responsibility of being the governor of the state of New Jersey?" asked Childish Gambino.

"Fuck no!" said Saitama.

"Don't you fucking need more American Power, old sport?" asked Gatsby.

"I do", said Saitama. "But not this way. Any way but this way!"

Sandor "The Hound" Clegane groaned. "If he won't do it, then I will." The ground stopped shaking. Childish Gambino shook The Hound's hand.

"Congratulations, Governor Sandor", said Childish Gambino.

"Thank you", said The Hound. "Uh, I don't have to stay in New Jersey, do I. 'Cause I gotta say... it is kinda shit here."

"Nah, you can keep going with us", said Childish Gambino.

"Thank the Godchris!" said The Hound.

"Hey, guys, you might want to see this!" said 2B. Everyone went to her and looked over the corpse of The Governor.

"Look at this", said 2B. She bent over and put a hand on The Governor's eye patch, then slowly removed it from his face, revealing an eye beneath. The eye of another man, and a piece of another's face. She started removing more of The Governor's face, revealing an entire other face lying beneath it.

"Chris Christie?" Everyone said, confused.

"Holy shit", said Kamina. "That means..."

"Skinwalkers have infiltrated the American Government", said Childish Gambino.

"Things just keep getting better, don't they", said Saitama. "Anyways, can we get the fuck out of New Jersey now?"

"NOT SO FAST!" came a pair of voices. It was The Situation and Snooki, and they were spinning around their dicks like it was fucking meat spin. The team just walked past them and left New Jersey behind.

The next few days were rough, as they fought through stormy weather and hot, sunny days, evading the law and surviving off the land.

"My arm may be strong", said Saitama as everyone was hiking up a hill. "But my legs are weak. How much further do we have to go?"

"We're there", said Childish Gambino. Once they peaked the cliff, the city of Washington D.C. was spread out beneath them, with the White House waiting in the distance.

"I'm coming, Solidus", said Saitama. "And I want answers!"

* * *

"What are you doing here?"

"I just wanted to make an offer!"

"Go away. I don't want your offer."

"That's fine. I just thought you might be interested in having a full set of limbs again, but I suppose I was wrong. I'll just go."

"...No, wait." (Audience Laughter)

TO BE CONTINUED


	9. STILL SEARCHING FOR YOUR FAITH

ONE FIST MAN 3: PORN IS FOREVER

Written by Christopher Rangel

PT. 7: STILL SEARCHING FOR YOUR FAITH...

* * *

"So this is it, huh?" said Sandor "The Hound" Clegane.

"Yeah, looks like", said Kamina. He turned to Saitama. "Do you think we'll be enough to win this?" Saitama bit his cheek.

"I hope so", said Saitama. "Its now or never. The time for preparation is over. Either we win this today, or we die today."

"Right", said 9S.

"No matter what happens today, I accept my fate", said 2B.

"HELLOOOO!" called a voice. Everyone turned to the right and saw Johnny Sins and Sasha Grey approaching the group.

"Johnny Fucking Sins!" said Saitama. He walked towards them and clasped Johnny Sins's hand. "How the hell have you been keeping, then?"

"Its been alright", said Johnny Sins. "So this is the day, then."

"Yeah", said Saitama. "We're taking back to porn industry, or dying trying!"

"Ha", said Johnny Sins. "That's the spirit."

"But did you really expect to win with only ten of you?" asked Sasha Grey.

"Yeah..." Saitama scratched his Baldhead. "To be honest, we were just kind of hoping for the best."

"You don't need to worry about that", said Johnny Sins. He snapped his finger and the rest of the Goddess of Sex's harem appeared on the hillside.

"Holy shit!" said Saitama.

"Hey, I remember you!" said Riley Reid.

"Hey, back off!" said Rose, holding Saitama's arm.

"YOOOOOOO!" Came a voice from behind them. They turned back and saw Alexander Hamilton leading the Revolutionary Army up the other side of the hill.

"No way!" said Saitama. Alexander Hamilton stood at Childish Gambino's side.

"Childish Gambino here told me that you guys needed help fighting the President, and I thought what good is a revolution without a Revolutionary Army!"

"YEEEAAAH!" screamed the Revolutionary Army behind him.

"Holy shit", said Kamina. "It that..."

"It is", said Gatsby. Hidden in the ranks of the Revolutionary Army was Bradley Cooper, dressed in his American Sniper costume.

"His sniper rifle cock is almost poking out of his pants", said Sandor "The Hound" Clegane.

"I know", said Jon Snow. "So fuckin' American!"

"And Joric Jojian, the Armenian JoJo, is here too!" said Gatsby.

Saitama just looked at the army that had come to his aid for this battle, overwhelmed with emotion.

"What did I do to... to deserve all of you?" said Saitama, wiping a tear from his cheek.

* * *

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK

"Jasmine, I'm home!" said Aladdin as he entered his and Jasmine's apartment.

"Al, get in here! You're gonna want to see what's happening!"

Aladdin put his fez on the hat rack and said "I'll be right there!" He entered the living area and looked at the TV. The news was on, with a headline reading "BALDMAN INVADES D.C."

"This afternoon, residents of Washington D.C. were surprised to see what seemed to be a large army pass right through there city; Thousands of people walking down the streets, between buildings, just washing through the city like a wave, all the way to the White House", said the newswoman, April O'Neill.

"Damn", said Aladdin. "Shit is going down, huh?"

"Yeah", said Jasmine.

"At this time officials have confirmed that fugitive ex-Hero celebrity pornstar Saitama has been seen at the front of the army, though his rank in the army is not clear at this time."

"Wait, I know that guy!" said Aladdin as a picture of Saitama appeared on the television screen. "He's one of the guys that saved me from those punks that came to Starbucks the other day. He must have cut his hair off, though... or maybe he was wearing a wig."

"What do we do now?" asked Jasmine. Aladdin sat on the couch.

"Just sit back and watch history unfold, I guess."

* * *

THE WHITE HOUSE

Saitama stood at the gate to the White House, his closest friends behind him and the rest of his army behind them. He watched as the doors to the White House opened, and out stepped President Donald Trump. He stood among the marble pillars as the gates opened. Saitama stepped forward, followed by Kamina, Rose, 2B, 9S, Jon Snow, Sandor "The Hound" Clegane, Gatsby, Childish Gambino, and Stormy Daniels. Alexander Hamilton and Johnny Sins stayed at the gate, right at the head of the army.

"I've been expecting you", said Donald Trump.

"Glad to hear it", said Saitama, cracking his Onefist.

"This doesn't have to result in war", said Donald Trump. "Hell, it doesn't even have to result in a fight at all. Come, I want to have a one on one talk with you."

Saitama looked back at Kamina, who nodded. "I accept your offer", said Saitama.

"Excellent", said Donald Trump. "Come inside, then." He went back in the White House, and Saitama crossed the White House lawn and went inside as well.

"We'll go to the Oval Office", said Donald Trump. So they went to the Oval Office. Donald Trump took a seat at his desk, while Saitama was left to stand.

"Do you drink whiskey?" Donald Trump asked.

"I'm more of a beer guy, to be honest", said Saitama, looking around uncomfortably.

"Fair enough, fair enough", said Donald Trump, pouring himself some whiskey.

"Where's Solidus?" asked Saitama.

"He's alive", said Donald Trump. "That's the important thing, right?" Saitama was granted a little relief.

"So", said Saitama, "What do you want to discuss."

Donald Trump took a sip of his whiskey. "I'm sure you already know, but it was all bullshit. Order 69, the whole taking down the porn industry thing. All bullshit. You know, I watch plenty of porn. I still do! I'm just like any other red blooded American, sometimes I just gotta choke the ol' Presidential chicken while watching 'hot lesbian kissing' videos. I don't have anything against you, or any other pornstar, and to be honest the whole 'Solidus Snake is a Skinwalker' thing was probably a big misunderstanding. All I want is Stormy Daniels. I did all of this to weed her out, to find her, and it worked! She's right here, right on my lawn. Like, usually when someone accuses me of having an affair, I'll just be like 'no I did not!', but she's, like, the Patron Saint of Pornstars. Like, this bitch has superpowers, and could probably beat the shit out of me if I bad-mouthed her too much, so the only option I see is to just go full treason on this bitch. All I ask of you is to hand her over, and you'll get everything. The porn industry will be saved, you'll have Solidus back, you won't be a fugitive anymore, it'll be great! It'll be great. So what do you say? Do we have a deal?"

"What would happen if I were to say no?" asked Saitama. "War?"

"No, not war", said Donald Trump, standing up. "Not immediately, anyways. We'd have a duel."

"A duel?" Saitama asked, almost laughing. Donald Trump hit the button on his wall, revealing his orange Iron Man suit.

"Yes", said Donald Trump. "A duel."

"Then I guess we're having a duel", said Saitama.

"Ha!" said Donald Trump. "Very well. I'll meet you outside. I've got to put this on."

* * *

Rose bit her cheek anxiously. "What do you think is going on in there?"

"I don't know", said Kamina. "I just hope it doesn't last much longer." That was when Saitama exited the White House, followed by a number of US soldiers, beginning to form a semi-circle.

"What the hell is this?" asked Jon Snow.

"Don't panic", said Childish Gambino. "Looks like we've got a duel on our hands. We must form a semi-circle to meet their's."

"Saitama's got this", said Kamina, a confident smile on his face.

"I hope so", said Stormy Daniels.

"You worried?" asked Kamina.

"No", said Stormy Daniels. "I just can't believe it had to come to this."

* * *

Velma woke up to find herself chained up in a cell of concrete.

"Good, you're awake", said a voice from next to her. She looked over.

"Solidus Snake!" said Velma.

"In the flesh", said Solidus Snake.

"How long have I been down here?" Velma asked.

"A few days now, must be", said Solidus. "Its hard to tell without a clock."

"Understandable", said Goddess LotUS of Sex Velma. She looked up at the wrist restraints that kept her pinned to the wall. "Ironic. Trapped by my own kink."

"Don't worry", said Solidus Snake. "Help should be on the way soon."

"You mean Saitama?" asked Velma.

"Yes", said Solidus Snake. "Or, like, you know... it could be someone else. Who knows?"

There was the loud smashing sound of a metal door getting decimated with a super-powerful fist.

"Saitama!" exclaimed Velma.

"Or someone else..." Solidus muttered under his breath. Then their own cell door was punched, and it went flying to the opposite wall with another loud sound.

"GOD-FUCKING CHRIS!" exclaimed Velma. "We could have been chained to that fucking wall!"

"Uh, sorry", said the man who was breaking them out. As he stepped into the light, she realized it wasn't Saitama; it was Danny Rand, the Iron Fist.

"You came just in time, Danny", said Solidus as Danny broke his restraints.

"Thanks, uh... Solidus", said Danny. "Do I break her out as well?"

"Of course", said Solidus. Danny did so, but something wasn't sitting well with Velma.

"Wait, we're in a super-secret prison somewhere near the White House. How did you know how to find us?"

Solidus and Danny exchanged a look. "Uh, intuition", they both said. Velma squinted at Solidus, then her eyes widened in shock.

"Wait, you're..." Solidus punched her in the face, knocking her out.

"I'm sorry, old friend", Solidus said as he picked her up and threw her over his shoulder. "I couldn't have you say what you were about to say. The Audience is always watching. Always."

* * *

Saitama stood in his corner of the ring, getting ready for his fight.

"This is it!" said Kamina. "The final battle! Are you ready?"

"You bet I fucking am!" said Saitama, throwing a punch with his fist.

"Attaboy!" said Kamina. "Your fist will be the fist to pierce this asshole!" Just then Donald Trump walked out of the White House in his orange Iron Man suit. Saitama went to the center of the ring to meet him. The head part of the Iron Man suit retracted, so Saitama and Donald Trump stood face to face.

"Its not too late to back down", said Donald Trump. "This suit was specially made by Stark Industries to be worn by the President of the United States of America. It was designed to harness and amplify the American Power that channels through someone once they've been elected president. I am the ultimate conduit of American Power!"

"Oh yeah?" said Saitama. "Well, I've watched Jersey Shore.

Donald Trump smirked. "Really? Well, this should be interesting, then!" They got in fighting pose and were ready to go, when they saw someone step out of the White House.

"This should be interesting indeed!" shouted Solidus.

"Solidus!" said Saitama.

"And he's got the Goddess of Sex on his shoulder!" said Stormy Daniels.

"What's Danny Rand doing here?" wondered Jon Snow.

"What the fuck is going on?" asked Donald Trump. "We were going to have a duel. We were going to have an honorable duel, in which I was going to be honorable, and you just go ahead, cheat, and break out my captives through some scheme?"

"I had no part in this", said Saitama, "but it does look like things worked out in my favor." Solidus Snake and Danny Rand walked across the White House lawn. Solidus handed a still unconscious Velma to Stormy Daniels, then he and Danny Rand stood beside Saitama, facing off against Donald Trump.

Donald Trump scowled. "I'll be willing to forgive this if the duel commences as it should have."

"I don't think so", said Solidus. His fist started glowing as bright as a star with American Power.

"Wait, what are you doing?" asked Saitama. All he could do was watch as Solidus delivered a wicked uppercut, smashing right through Donald Trump's Iron Man suit and piercing right through his chest.

"NOOOOO!" shouted Saitama. Behind him Childish Gambino only held his hand to his mouth. Stormy Daniel's eyes were wide.

"You... bastard!" spat Donald Trump as Solidus lifted him into the air with the arm that was planted in his chest.

"I hate it when people call me that", said Solidus, and suddenly he started glowing red, white, and blue as he sapped the American Power directly out of Donald Trump. Donald Trump turned to Saitama.

"That... isn't... Solidus..." said Donald Trump. "The Story... is going... wrong..."

Solidus flung Donald Trump's colorless body into the semi-circle of US Soldiers, then clenched his fist.

"Heh", said Solidus. "Election by Execution, I suppose. By absorbing the American Power of the President using my own American Power, I've become the President of the United States of America."

"Who are you?" asked Saitama, readying his fist.

"Well", said Solidus. "Even as we speak, the name 'George Sears', the birth name of Solidus Snake, has been added to every American History textbook in existence under the title '46th President', but in truth..." He grabbed at his chin, then pulled off the face of Solidus Snake. "I am his brother, once known as the 'Liquid Snake'. Eli!"

"The LotUS of Sanity!" exclaimed Jon Snow, drawing his bastard sword Longclaw. He looked at Danny Rand. "Why are you working with him?!"

"We had a deal", said Danny Rand, revealing his new arm.

"That arm..." said Saitama.

"It looks familiar, yes?" said Eli. "It should. It used to be your's."

"The deal", said Danny Rand, "Was that if I agreed to help him, he'd give me an arm as powerful as the one I lost."

"I was there", said Eli, "The day you destroyed the Hero Association HQ in London. Surely you remember feeling those impulses, like when you had Batman impaled on a flagpole, or when you felt the urge to kill Jon Snow. Those tiny impulses were all that I needed to emit to send the entire Hero Association over the edge and destroy itself, all for the sake of my nephew, Gregory Stapleton of Winchester Nevada. The Villain. The Bane of Christmas. Alas, he ended up dead anyways. Poor boy."

"How long have you been wearing Solidus's skin?" Saitama asked, seething.

"Long enough", said Eli. He laughed. "I suppose the Godchris would want to leave that up to interpretation, now, wouldn't he?"

"You know that I'm going to kill you, right?" asked Saitama.

"I know that you're going to try!" said Eli. (Enter Music: "Roundabout" by Yes) "But do you really think you have enough American Power to defeat me?!" Eli did a JoJo pose, and then all of a sudden a muscular, half-man half-bald eagle figure appeared behind him, dressed in red, white, and blue armor.

STAND NAME:

「AMERICA」

STAND MASTER:

「LOTUS MASTER OF SANITY ELI OVER AMERICA: 」

"Holy shit!" said Kamina. "He was able to mold his American Power into a Stand!"

"Come on, Saitama", said Eli. "LET'S FIGHT!"

TO BE CONCLUDED...


	10. IN THE ARM THAT KILLED THE PRESIDENT

PREVIOUSLY ON THE "WINTER LEAVES" SAGA

WINTER LEAVES LIKE A SON IN A PARADE

"Just give up", Risch said.

"Give up?" I repeated. "Give up?! GIVE UP?!" I mustered all of my energy and ran right towards Risch, and he looked up just as I stabbed him upwards, carrying him in the air with my sword.

"Right", said Risch. "I guess I was at a disadvantage from the start." The dome disappeared, and I was back in the battlefield, all of my friends around me, cheering. I looked up in horror at Risch as he hung in the air from my sword like a shishkebab.

"Remember... what I said", said Risch before he slowly vaporized into smaller particle.

"I know what has to be done", I whispered. I sheathed Aquamarine Nightmare and turned to my army.

RUGRATS: CRUSADE OF THE CRIMSON ROSEBUSH

"The Death Emperor is one of the LOTUS; the Lords of the Undefined Symbols. We... you all wield power over the things that God does not know. Death. Peace. Sex. There are plenty of other things, too, but you'll meet the other LOTUS... soon enough."

"I didn't want this..." said Tommy.

"Me neither", said Chaos Finster. "I just wanted to be the guy that killed Dracula. But you know, I guess, in the end, we all just have to live with our actions, and then die by them."

TWICE UPON A MATTRESS: A LIFETIME IN THE DARK

"First, there's something I must tell you; a vision I've received from the Unborn God, a prophecy." Gandalf cleared his throat, "On the fallen leaves of Autumn rise the first cold flames of Winter. But Winter leaves like a son in a parade, and in the barren soil left behind, Spring flowers blossom like the crimson tears of my heart, then grow, mature, and thrive within the mothering warmth of Summer light, only, in the end, to wither, lie, and die on the fallen leaves of Autumn." He looked at Larkin, then Gregory Stapleton. "I'm not sure why I was chosen to bare this message, but I believe that your son is The Autumn Leaf I saw, drifting throughout all the seasons and spreading its decay. I'm sure, in the days to come, the other symbols, The Winter Son, The Spring Flower, The Summer Light, will all be revealed. Yes, I'm sure of it."

"Why are you telling me this?" asked Larkin.

"Because", began Gandalf, "I fear that I won't even make it past the Winter, and somebody needs to know this. I know that these words need to stay remembered to the end for the cycle to continue."

FOUR GOODNESS' SNAKES

"I am not Liquid Snake", said Eli. "Nor the person who went by the codename Liquid Snake. And you are not Solid Snake." He looked Solid Snake in the eye. "We are nothing but Fragments of those people."

"Fragments?"

"The... Godchris", Eli said with a smirk, "While being the god of this world, is not so much a god as he is a thief. While his avatar walks among us, his true self has seen into millions of different worlds, including our own. Nearly every person that inhabits this world he has pulled from another world to live here as a fragment. He does not create. He steals. He kidnaps. He uses us as puppets in a cosmic puppet show that he puts on for his own amusement. Even now..." Liquid smirked sadly. "Well, even I have to play the part he's given me..."

THE DARKNESS BEHIND MY I'S: AN ICARLY STORY

Alright then let me just check the official winter leaves like a son in a parade facebook page for what we are supposed to do next." Said king kazma. He walked along the posts until he found the one with this story in it and then he read it and said "oh we're almost at the end, we just have to all decide to make our team and then look off dramatically towards the rest of facebook."

So they climbed up to where my name was which is Cole Petano because it was my facebook they were logged into and they all perched across my name and looked down into the endless abyss of facebook. Parts of it were on fire. Parts of it were completely abandoned like the filthy frank sector. While they were looking the old dnd page I used in highschool slid off into the datasea and sank to be eaten by the kraken.

GUTEN LAGEN

Simon (pronounced 'Simon') had a problem: he had taken a metaphor too far. For twenty-seven years, from his time as a frightened mole-person to battles across the planet to battles across the universe, he had relied on two things: his pride and masculinity, as a metaphor for his dick; and the spiral of his Core Drill, as a metaphor for the human will to power.

DIALGA AND PALKIA AND PURE EVIL: A TALE IN AN OUT OF THE ABYSS

"What's going on here? What happened to my friends?" Palkia yelled. The gravy was making it harder for him to move and was so thick that it couldn't be seen through. Captain America could attack at any second, and Palkia wouldn't be able to see it coming.

"Welcome to the United Universe of America bitch." Captain America yelled. He leapt out of the gravy behind Palkia. Within moments, Captain America's shield had been forced into Palkia's back. Palkia lost his balance, tripped, and began to fall into the gravy pool.

ONE FIST MAN

Saitama staggered away from the wreckage behind him, still holding onto his stump. He had to make it to the hospital fast; he was bleeding out.

Suddenly he felt a hand on his shoulder. It was Solidus Snake!

"I heard about what happened", said Solidus. "Well, saw it too." He looked out in the distance. "Well, don't worry about it kid. You know, heroes are temporary; many of them turn to evil once faced with the right circumstances. But porn, on the other hand..." dramatic pause, "Porn is forever. And you've still got one fist."

AND NOW FOR THE GRAND FINALE OF "WINTER LEAVES" PHASE I:

ONE FIST MAN 3: PORN IS FOREVER

Written by Christopher Rangel

PT. FIN8L: ...IN THE ARM THAT KILLED THE PRESIDENT

* * *

2 YEARS AGO

"You will never defeat me!" Red Skull yelled menacingly from the cockpit of his giant mech. "What you see before you is the UNSTERBLICH TODESGOTT, the ultimate creation of German technology!" He raised his fist into the air. "GERMAN TECHNOLOGY IS THE GREATEST!"

"Sure", said Saitama. He punched the mech as he passed by and it instantly exploded, killing Red Skull in a blaze of orange flame.

"Amazing, sensei!" said Genos. "Truly inspirational, as usual!"

"If you say so", said Saitama. He sat on the edge of a cliff and watched the sun set over a crimson sea.

"What do we do next, sensei?" asked Genos.

"I dunno", said Saitama. "Wanna watch the sun set?"

"If you believe that is the best course of action, then I will, sensei!" Genos took a seat next to Saitama.

"Genos", said Saitama, "Do you ever get tired of fighting?"

"Never, sensei", said Genos. "Fighting is what I was made for!"

"You've still got the spirit", said Saitama. "I'm not sure I have it anymore."

"What do you mean, sensei?"

"All I do is fight and fight, hurt and hurt, kill and kill", said Saitama. "I know that I'm putting an end to some people who are doing wrong, but I'm just not sure I'm solving any problems. The ideas that spawn the evils of this world, the prejudices, the problems, they're all still there. These villains that I defeat, they're not the problems; they're merely products of the real problems of the world."

"Even so", said Genos, "This is as much of the problem as we can take care of."

"I guess", said Saitama. The Sun touched the horizon. "Even so, I feel like there must be some sort of way to take care of these problems."

"Like what?"

"I don't know", said Saitama. "Maybe its just as simple as creating better ideas for people to think about, making art to make people more content about living the life they've been given." He looked at his right fist. "But all I've got are my fists."

"Can you create art with a fist?"

"I don't know", said Saitama. He smirked. "Maybe I can make porn!"

"I believe in you no matter what you try to do!" said Genos.

"Well, I mean, I was joking", said Saitama. "...But maybe! So long as I don't literally destroy anyone's asshole with my fists." He took out a flyer he had picked up earlier in the day.

"HENTAIDOTCOM LOOKING FOR A NEW FACE OF FISTING" it said, with a picture of Solidus Snake raising his fist into the air.

THE PRESENT

Eli, the man formerly known as Liquid Snake and wearing the skin of Solidus Snake, raised his fist into air and began floating into the sky.

"That's not fair!" said Saitama. "How the hell am I supposed to fly?!"

"Ha!" said Eli. "Well, if you're not truly equipped to face me, then I suppose you've failed. Vice President Danny Rand, kill them all!"

"Yes sir", said Danny Rand. He walked forward, cracking the knuckles on Saitama's old right hand. Kamina started forward as if to face him, but Saitama held him back.

"No, this one is mine", said Saitama. He looked Kamina in the eye. "Its my fist. Its my problem."

"Right", said Kamina. 9S and 2B summoned their flight units, and Childish Gambino took flight with his power of flight as well, all pursuing the LotUS of Sanity. On the ground, Kamina, Stormy Daniels, Sandor Clegane, Gatsby, Jon Snow, and Rose fought with the soldiers that formed the other half of the circle, while Saitama and Danny Rand began to fight in the middle of it. War raged through Washington D.C. between the American Army commanded by LotUS Master of Sanity Eli and the Revolutionary Pornography Army led by Alexander Hamilton, Johnny Sins, and Sasha Grey.

"We've met before, haven't we?" asked Saitama.

"I don't think so", said Danny Rand.

"Oh, it must have been your mom", said Saitama. "Yeah, I definitely fisted her with that arm you're using now." Danny Rand screamed, charged forward, and slammed Saitama in the face with his own arm, sending him flying backwards into the bigger battle. The battle parted as Danny Rand made his way towards Saitama.

"Don't you dare talk about my mother like that", said Danny Rand.

"Well, for the record, she didn't mind when I talked TO her like that", said Saitama as he struggled to stand up. "Damn I pack a heavy punch", he muttered under his breath.

Danny Rand scowled and brought down his fist towards Saitama's Baldhead, but Saitama was ready and countered with a punch of his own. The force of the two equally powerful fists sent a shockwave throughout the battlefield, causing many people to lose their balance and fall over.

"WOAH!" said famous actor Sunplation Bruce Willis Tom Hanks Bela (Sebastian this is u). "I almost lost my balance there!"

"Oh, hey Sunplation!" said Cool Satano, who was also part of the battle.

"Cool Satano, fancy seeing you here!" said Sunplation.

"Yeah", said Cool Satano. "Oh, I got something for you, by the way." He reached into his ass and pulled out a box of wigs.

"My box of wigs!" said Sunplation.

"A gift from the Godchris", said Cool Satano. Sunplation put on a blonde wig.

"Oh, hey guys", said Joric Jojian.

"Oh, hey JoJo", said Cool Satano and Sunplation.

"You guys fighting in this war?"

"Yeah", said Cool Satano and Sunplation.

"Me too!" said JoJo.

"Nice!" said Cool Satano and Sunplation, and they continued fighting in the war.

Kamina, Stormy Daniels, and Rose from Titanic were being backed into a corner.

"Its hard holding them off!" Kamina said as he chopped a soldier in half.

"No shit!" said Rose, as she punched a soldier in the face and then peeled his face off using Skinwalker powers.

"I have an idea!" said Stormy Daniels. She raised her hand, and all of the soldiers that surrounded them stopped fighting, looked down at all of their crotches, then looked at each other.

"Hey", said one of the soldiers. "Is this making anyone else hard?"

"I mean, I'm a bit wet", said one of the other soldiers. "Does that count?"

"Yeah, that's basically the same thing", said the first soldier.

"We should probably just fuck, right?" said a third soldier. "Like, get it out of our systems so we're not distracted by our urges in the middle of battle?"

"Yeah, its probably a good idea", said the first soldier. He removed his helmet, revealing that he was Johnny from Metal Gear Solid. "Welp, time to fuck I guess", and all of the soldiers that were about to kill Kamina, Stormy Daniels, and Rose had an orgy.

"Make love not war, huh?" said Kamina. "I like it! Clever thinking!"

"Let's move!" said Stormy Daniels.

"Here we are, a wolf and a dog", said Sandor Clegane as he fought off soldiers back to back with Jon Snow.

"Indeed", said Jon Snow, locking blades with a soldier (a whole bunch of soldiers in this fight are fighting with swords, by the way, for no better reason than it being cool).

"You know what they say!" said Sandor Clegane. "So long as the sword finds its way to its slot, it matters not if the wench is a thot!" He stabbed a soldier in the chest.

"I didn't know you were familiar with Shakespeare!" said Jon Snow.

"I've read a bit", said Sandor Clegane as he beheaded a couple people.

"How about this one: 'The loss of a head is better in bed, but two times or three will make this man wed'".

"Ah, Chaucer!" said Sandor Clegane. "Good fucking shit!" A man was about to shoot Sandor Clegane and Jon Snow at the same time with a pair of pistols when Gatsby stepped in and shot that man in the face.

"Any of y'all read any F. Scott Fitzgerald?" asked Gatsby. "'Oh but I had a half a handful, your breasts would moan for my grasp'".

"Good old F. Scott Fitzgerald", said Sandor Clegane, just as Saitama bumped into his shoulder. "Hey, watch where you're going!"

"Sorry", said Saitama, and he charged back towards Danny Rand.

"Why do you insist on fighting me?" asked Danny Rand. "You know that we're both equally powered!"

"Yes", said Saitama, "Which means so long as we're fighting, you're out of commission!"

"But that means you're out of commission as well, you asscannon! And look around!" Saitama looked around, and noticed that, despite the fact that his army was holding well, they were still vastly outnumbered by the American army.

"I see", said Saitama. "So that just means that I'll have to push my limits and properly defeat you!" He went in for the onepunch, but Danny Rand dodged out of the way, causing Saitama to stumble. Danny Rand looked up at the sky.

"It is almost time..." Eli, as well as his Stand, America, had levitated in front of the Sun so that they were a menacing shadow when viewed from the Earth.

"We've got you now", said Donald Glover.

"How so?" asked Eli. "I'm exactly where I want to be!"

"AAARGH!" yelled 9S as he sped towards Eli, but America simply swiped at his flight unit, sending 9S spiraling towards the Earth.

"9S!" exclaimed 2B.

"American Power is one of the most powerful things in the world!" said Eli. "And if one were to harness enough of the American Power generated from the worlds of turkey and gravy from the United Universe of America which Captain America had created, one could do great things." He lifted a hand towards the Sun, from which light seemed to flow into his fingertips. "Such as absorbing the essence of the Sun itself, and then shining the truth of this world across the land like sunlight!"

"You bastard!" said Childish Gambino. "That's an abuse of American Power!"

"And who are you to care?" asked Eli. "Of course, I ask this knowing fully well who you are."

"Heh", said Childish Gambino.

"You're the Spirit of Liberty itself!" said Eli. "And the successor to the mantle of Captain America.

"Guilty as charged!" said Childish Gambino. He pushed a button hidden in his sleeve and was covered in the costume of Captain America, his shield materializing in his hand.

"Well well", said Eli. "A shame that your time has run out."

"I know", said Childish Gambino. "Your grasp on the American Power is too strong. Soon I won't be able to maintain flight." His levitation faltered. "But there is one here with the affinity for American Power that can stop you! 2B, take me back to the ground!"

"But sir!" said 2B.

"Don't worry", said Captain America. "He'll be up here soon enough."

"Right", said 2B, and she took Captain America back down to Earth.

"Hm hm hm", laughed Eli. "Can you feel that, Godchris? Soon I'll be powerful enough to exact my revenge on your true form!"

2B and Captain America landed and continued fighting on the ground.

"This is bad", said Johnny Sins. "We're still alive, but we're dwindling, and these assholes just keep coming!" Then there was the sound of a foghorn in the distance.

"What the fuck was that?" asked Sasha Grey.

"I know what that is!" said Alexander Hamilton, looking towards the shoreline with a smile.

"Its the entire French Army!" exclaimed Joric Jojian.

"Bonjour!" exclaimed the Marquis du Lafayette. "Happy Reverse D-Day, my dudes!"

"Holy shit!" said the entire Revolutionary Pornography Army, which was now the French Revolutionary Pornography Army.

"The tides have turned", said Saitama.

"Maybe so", said Danny Rand. "But... uh, but... oh, FUCK!" Danny Rand started clutching his arm. "What is this burning I feel?"

"Heh", said Saitama. "I guess it makes sense." Saitama started glowing Red, White, and Blue. "Over the past few months I've gained a mastery over American Power, but even so I felt a shift once Eli became the President, and once you became the Vice President. Spiritually, that arm is still a part of me, but now its more than an arm. Its siphoning the American Power of the Vice Presidency from you right back to me!" The light intensified.

"That's impossible!" said Danny Rand.

"No its not!" said Saitama. He raised his fist towards the Sun, with the American flag somewhere in the background of the shot, and the American Power coursing through him went berserk. "Witness the ultimate form of my American Power!" The armored, red, white, and blue form of George Washington materialized behind Saitama.

STAND NAME:

「AMERICAN IDIOT」

STAND MASTER:

「SAITAMA」

"I'M COMING FOR YOU, ELI!" Saitama screamed as he started levitating towards him.

"Wait!" said Danny Rand. "I'm not done with you yet!"

"But I'm done with you!" said Saitama. American Idiot clobbered Danny Rand with a mailed fist, sending him crashing into the White House.

"Saitama!" said Eli. "How nice to see you!"

"Let's cut the pleasantries", said Saitama. "I'm here to take you down!"

"Take me down!" said Eli. "Little old me? I'm simply trying to shine truth upon this land before absorbing the power of the Sun completely and spiraling my own energy out until I'm capable of destroying the entire Universe! Why would you want to stop me?"

"You killed a good friend of mine!" said Saitama, and both he and American Idiot went in for the punch, but they were met eagerly by Eli and America.

"Let's have some fun!" Eli said, before the force as his blow sent Saitama falling back down to Earth. The whole way down, he was pelted by blows from Eli and America, until they crashed into the Holocaust Memorial Museum.

"Where'd he go?" asked Saitama, just before Eli jumped from one of the Holocaust exhibits and started strangling Saitama.

"This is where you'll die", said Eli. "In this memorial to millions of men, women, and children who died at the hands of madness, your death shall be delivered by the Master of Sanity!"

"I'm not dying here!" Saitama exclaimed before throwing Eli off of him. Eli threw the Nazi-castration exhibit at Saitama, which Saitama dodged and then punched Eli through a wall and chased after him.

Now they stood on the National Mall as the war raged around them. Eli laughed, turned his back to Saitama, and started walking across the reflective pool. Where he stepped, the water turned to gravy. Saitama followed him. His steps, too, turned the water to gravy.

"What is this truth that you want to tell so badly?" asked Saitama.

"You'll know by the time this battle ends", said Eli. "Which shouldn't be much longer." Saitama looked down. The reflective pool was now nearly entirely gravy, and from within the gravy he could see a whole bunch of copies of Eli's stand America flying up towards him. He dodged them all as they broke the surface of the water, and Saitama made it to the lawn, from where he launched another punch at Eli, which managed to catch him off guard (seemingly). The punch carried them both to the mouth of the Potomac river.

"You want to know what my truth is?" asked Eli, holding his gut where Saitama had punched him. "Look right there!" He looked to where the river met the sea, and saw a head, blue and frozen, come out of the water. It was Jack from Titanic!

"Jack!" said Saitama. "You're alive?"

"I looked into the Grand Story and it looked back at me..." said Jack.

"You see", said Eli, "You were asking what the truth I wanted to tell is, and this is it. You see, something has entered this world, something the Godchris did not want coming here. It was brought here by another God he let into this world, a traitor God, who implanted a story called 'Winter Leaves Like a Son in a Parade' within an obscure corner of the internet. But this is no ordinary story. This story contains everything that has happened and will happen within our world, and I have read the whole thing. I know where this story is going, and I can change it to benefit myself! And the truth will spread like a disease and create a cult of others who will want to break free from the binds of this story, and I shall be their god! Perhaps you would like a peek at this text?"

"No", said Saitama. "I'll just see how my story unfolds as it unfolds."

"How unfortunate", said Eli. "Jack, kill him." Jack unhinged his jaw, revealing a set of long, razor sharp teeth, but just as he approached Saitama he started vibrating, and his skin flew right off of his body.

"Saitama!" said Rose.

"Rose!" said Saitama.

"Brother!" said Eli. He chuckled, "Oh wait, that's right; I don't have any of those anymore."

"Its over, old sport", said Gatsby, pointing his gun towards Eli.

"Not by a longshot", said Eli. Eli looked at Kamina. "Ha, you already know the truth, don't you?" he said. Kamina just grimmaced and kept his hand on his sword. "Yes, I remember. I showed everyone from Gurren Lagann the truth. I wonder how Simon is doing?"

"You bastard!" yelled Kamina as he ran towards Eli. "Who the hell do you think I..." Kamina was punched in the face by America and landed somewhere amid the battle of Washington DC.

"You'll pay for that!" said Saitama.

"Ha!" said Eli. "You haven't even seen my final form yet!" He clenched both of his fists, held in the air, and screamed like it was fucking Dragon Ball or something, then his Stand started phasing in and out of existence until it combined with Eli and they were nearly blinded. Once the light disappeared they say before them a giant American flag with a smiley face and angry eyebrows on it.

* * *

BOSS: FLAGELI OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERIKA

(Boss Music: "Hearshot Kid Disaster" by Coheed and Cambria)

"The madman!" said Captain America. "He's become one with the Flag itself!"

"It doesn't matter!" said Saitama. "We'll still take him down anyways!" he ran to punch Flageli, but when he did the fabrics of the flag just wrapped around him.

"Shit!" said Saitama. "I can't breathe!"

"Ha ha ha!" said Flageli. "You can't punch a flag!"

"But you can cut one!" said Jon Snow. He slashed at Flageli with Longclaw, which, while he managed to pull the Flag from Saitama, it didn't tear at all.

"Not the American Flag!" said Flageli, whipping Jon Snow into the river. Flageli started flying towards the heart of the capitol.

"You have to stop him!" said Captain America. "If he attaches himself to a flagpole he'll be nigh unstoppable!"

"Then we'll just have to stop him before then!" said Saitama. He became airborne with the help of American Idiot and pursued Flageli, while Jon Snow's direwolf Ghost pulled Jon Snow out of the river.

Every time Saitama tried to punch the Flag it just dodged out of the way.

"You're too late, Saitama!" Flageli said as it attached itself to the pole. The ground beneath them started to shake.

"Fuck, of course!" said Captain America. "The only way to dispose of an American Flag is to burn it!"

"Ugh, I hate fire", said Sandor "The Hound" Clegane.

"If its fire you want its fire you'll get!" said Kamina, stepping out of the battle with Danny Rand.

"This guy was just using me!" said Danny Rand. "I'll help you take him down!"

"How can you take down an entire city?!" Flageli asked from atop his flagpole. Everyone started stumbling backwards, then fell off of the city as they realized the city was standing itself up. They stood right on the brink of the Qliphoth, in which the humanoid figure of Washington D.C. was standing up as

* * *

ULTIMATE FORM: WASHINGLOTUS D. CELI

At the top of Washinglotus was the Lincoln Memorial, but with the stone figure of Eli sitting upon the throne, laughing maniacally. The battle still raged upon the body of Washinglotus, but the environment itself was turning on the French Revolutionary Pornography Army.

"Why are we the only ones that fell off?" asked Saitama.

"Because we're the only ones with enough American Power to resist his own", said Captain America.

"Its over", said Stormy Daniels.

"No, its not", said Captain America. "The main source of his power is still the flag. If we can destroy that, then the city should return to its natural state."

"And you say we have to burn it, right?" said Kamina.

"Yes", said Captain America.

"Alright", said Kamina, and the Gurren Lagann themesong "Sorairo Days" started playing as the held his hand to the edge of his blade and yelled "GALACTIC CORE SPIRAL INFERNO!" His blade lit on fire, ignited by Spiral Energy.

"2B", said Kamina. "Your flight unit still works. I need you to bring me to that goddamn flag so I can light the goddamn thing on fire!"

"Right!" said 2B, and the mounted the machine and flew towards the flag.

"Not so fast!" boomed Flageli. The Washington Monument, located right where the dick would be if Washinglotus D. Celi were an actual man, fired a giant laser at the two of them.

"Hold on!" said 2B as she did an evasive barrel roll out of the way.

"Right on!" said Kamina. They flew closer to the flagpole, but as they got closer to it the city started shooting entire buildings towards them.

"Oh fuck!" said 2B as the International Spy Museum careened towards them. She blasted through it with lasers and they sailed right through it.

"Aw yeah!" said Kamina. That was when they were surrounded by a bunch of helicopters that started opening fire on them.

"KAMINA!" screamed 2B. "YOU CAN MAKE IT! JUMP!"

"WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM?!" Kamina yelled as he leaped from the flight unit, holding his sword in front of him as he screamed.

The stony right hand of Washinglotus came in to crush Kamina, but it was too slow.

"SPIRAL INFERNO... SLASH!" Kamina screamed as he cut the flag with his burning sword, then planted a foot against the side of the city and leapt off of it right before the hand made contact. He landed back with his friends, and 2B also landed back to Earth, and they all looked at the city. It kept its hand to where its heart would be, then slowly sank back to its place in the Earth's crust. They made their way through the city again and saw that the American soldiers were standing still, looking towards the flag at the heart of the city with their hands on their hearts. Once they made it to the flagpole at the National Mall they saw that it was burning, but where it burned away Eli began to reappear. He did a superhero landing onto the Earth once he rematerialized completely. He was out of breath and unable to summon his Stand.

"Very well", said Eli. "Let's finish this hand to hand!"

"Alright", said Saitama, stepping up to challenge him.

* * *

FINAL BOSS: MASTER LOTUS OF SANITY ELI

Saitama tried to punch Eli, but every time he did he would dodge out of the way. Danny Rand joined in too, but he was just as successful. Governor of New Jersey Sandor Clegane also tried to slash away at the foe, but to no avail. That was when Danny Rand remembered something.

"Guys, don't think!" said Danny Rand. "That's the only way to beat him!"

"What makes you say that?" asked Sandor Clegane.

"Its what my old master, the LotUS of Peace, told me was the only way to defeat the LotUS of Sanity." Danny Rand flurried a series of blows at Eli, the last of which made contact with his right arm.

"ARRRGH!" said Eli as his right arm flew off of him. "Goddammit!"

"This is it guys!" said Danny Rand.

"Any ideas for a finishing move?" asked Sandor Clegane.

"I've got one", said Saitama as the "One Fist Man" theme song started playing in the background. He walked up behind Eli and said "FINISHING MOVE! AIRBORNE... FISTFUCK!" He delivered a powerful uppercut right into Eli's asshole, so powerful that they both went airborne towards the sky, and Saitama's fist burst right out the other side through Eli's urethra as he screamed in pain. When Saitama removed his fist from Eli's asshole, Eli flew a little further, the planted himself right on the point of the Washington monument, right through where his urethra used to be.

Everyone stood beneath the Washington Monument and looked up to where Eli was looking down. Eli chuckled and said "Nothing can stop the truth. I am the one writing this sotyr now!" He coughed up some blood. "A line from the epic poem Loveless: Even if the morrow is barren of promises, nothing shall forestall my... return." With those words, he died.

"Now its over", said Captain America. "Saitama, I know that you're not going to want to be President, but someone has to do it."

"I will", said Sandor Clegane. "I've learned so much in this country, and being the Governor of New Jersey has been an unforgettable experience. I would be honored to be the forty-seventh President.

"Very well", said Captain America Childish Gambino. "Sandor Clegane, I hereby declare you the forty-seventh President of America. They shook hands. In the coming months Sandor Clegane would travel west and take part in the Great Skinwalker War and meet a man named Tommy Pickles, who would give him the nickname Bernie (A reference to Sandor's burned face)(See RUGRATS: CRUSADE OF THE CRIMSON ROSEBUSH). Once the war was over, he'd return to D.C. and Preside over the country as President Bernie Sandor, with his Vice President Alexander Hamilton.

"We did it!" said Johnny Sins. He embraced Saitama and said "You goddamn Baldman sonuvabitch! The porn industry is safe now!" They released, then saw that Goddess LotUS of Sex Velma had finally woken back up. Stormy Daniels approached her, and they both smiled and nodded to each other. Then Stormy Daniels looked to the colorless corpse of President Donald Trump.

"He was a... well, he was at least an okay man", said Stormy Daniels. "We need to give him a proper funeral." So they planned to give him a proper funeral.

Saitama walked to where Liquid's arm had flown and picked it up, saying "Its about time I got a new arm."

"You can have your's back if you want", said Danny Rand.

"No, you can keep it", said Saitama. "You use it well!"

2B shook 9S awake. "Hey", 2B said, "Its over."

"That's a relief", said 9S. "Sorry I blacked out for most of it."

"Don't worry", 2B said with a laugh.

"So what do we do now?" asked 9S.

"Let's see the world!" said 2B.

"Sounds good!" said 9S.

Saitama walked up to Kamina and Rose.

"So what now, buddy?" asked Kamina.

"I'm gonna have this arm sewn onto me", said Saitama.

"Oh wow", said Rose. "I've never been fucked by someone with two arms before. I'm looking forward to it!"

"Hey, Saitama", said Kamina.

"What is it?" asked Saitama.

Kamina breathed in to say it, but then he saw Rose in his peripheral vision. "Nothing. Never mind."

"Alright", said Saitama.

"It was nice meeting you, old sports!" Gatsby called from a little ways away. "I've gotta go now, though! I've got a party to throw this weekend, and I'm sure my love Daisy Buchanan will be there!"

"Good luck!" Saitama called. Gatsby waved a final farewell and was on his way.

"I've gotta get going myself", said Kamina. "I've got a new gig. Babysitter! And guess who for?"

"Who?" asked Saitama.

"Claudio-Sanchez Rangel", said Kamina. "The son of the Godchris himself!"

"Nice!" said Saitama. He turned to Rose.

"I'll see you at home, then?" she asked.

"I'll see you at home", said Saitama. "Wherever that might be." With that, he turned from his friends and started walking down the road, arm in hand.

"Finally", said Saitama. "The fighting is finally over. I'll never have to raise my fist in violence again." He thought back to all he had done, from accidentally destroying the Hero Association, to becoming friends with Kamina, to meeting the Goddess of Sex and going on an adventure to save the porn industry. Now he just had to be a porn star. The best porn star, with great friends and a loving girlfriend. He smiled. "Heroes are temporary", he said, echoing Solidus Snake. "But Porn is Forever!"

THE END?

* * *

YEARS LATER

Saitama awoke in a sweat. What was that voice? He hold his right arm, Eli's old right arm. It was burning. What was that voice?

"Perhaps in the absence of Sanity, madness..." it trailed off. (Audience Applause)

"What's wrong?" Rose asked from the other side of the bed.

"I don't kn..."

"Even if the morrow is barren of promises" (Audience Applause)

"Rose, run!"

"What?"

"Its him! I don't know how, but it is. Run, please!" Rose listened to Saitama and ran from their room.

"I don't die", said Saitama. "My will... my will is strong." He looked at himself in the mirror. "My name... Saitama. No, that's not it." He started laughing as his reflection changed to a man with long blonde hair.

"Ha! Ah ha ha ha!" he laughed (Audience laughter). "AH HA HA HA HA!" He smashed his head into the mirror, bleeding out a little onto the broken glass. "AH HA HA HA HA!" Then both the faces of Saitama and Eli looked towards the camera.

LIQUID SAITAMA WILL RETURN

IN "WINTER LEAVES LIKE A SON IN A PARADE" BOOK II:

"SPRING FLOWERS BLOSSOM LIKE THE CRIMSON TEARS OF MY HEART"

8/15/2018

END OF PHASE I


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